Responding to a rising tide of menu dessert choices, the Bush administration announced today the "Sanctity of Apple Pie Act," which would prohibit the consumption or sale of any type of pie that's not apple-derived.
"Apple Pie is one of the institutions that made this country great," said White House spokesman Scott McLellan today, citing Baseball and Mom as other hallowed Americon icons under consideration by the Bush administration for federal protection. "We simply cannot risk, at this time of heightened threat to our national identity, sanctioning the consumption of anti-American desserts, such as lemon meringue, rugelah or chocolate mousse. Activist chefs should not be allowed to set an alternative agenda."
Democratic candidates for president, John Kerry and John Edwards both condemned the proposed Constitutional amendment, saying that though they both "staunchly support apple pie and would never think of eating anything even remotely French for dessert," decisions concerning what kind of pie to eat was best left up to individual states.
Polls show that Americans are almost equally divided on the idea of a Constitutional ban on pies other than apple.
"I can only eat meat now, anyway," said Gladys M. Smeegma, of Dayton Ohio, siting the new low-carb diet recently voted into law by the Ohio state legislature.