Dear [name of asshole] ,
It is with deep regret that I submit my notice of resignation from [corporate overlord]. I hope you take the time to read this entire [method of communication]. Before describing the details of my decision, I want to offer some [type of shit]:
I am proud of everything I have done for [corporate overlord]. I was in no way involved in — or responsible for — the [thing that you were responsible for]. Nor were more than a handful of [synonym for asshats (but not asshats—we’re saving that]. Most of those responsible have [method of escape] and have conspicuously escaped [type of punishment normally reserved for Gitmo detainees].
After 12 [unit of time] of hard work dismantling [corporate overlord] — during which [corporate overlord] reassured us many times we would be rewarded in [stardate] — we in the [corporate overlord division] have been [past participle] by [corporate overloard] and are being unfairly [past participle] by elected [asshats]. In response to this, I will now [verb] the company and donate [something you still have payments on] to those suffering from the global [bad thing]. My intent is to keep none of the [something you’ve stolen] myself.
I take this action after [unit of time] of dedicated, [adjective that describes the last person you had sex with] service to [corporate overlord] I can no longer effectively perform my [plural noun] in this [obscene adjective] environment, nor am I being paid to do so. Like you, I was asked to work for an annual salary of one [favorite girl scout cookie], and I agreed out of a sense of [noun] to the company and to the [asshats] who have come to its aid. Having now been let down by [person you would kill if it were legal to kill just one person], I can no longer justify spending [number of hours you work times 3] hours a day away from my [any synonym for sex worker] for the benefit of those who have let me down.
You and I have never met or [this one's easy] each other, so I’d like to tell you about myself. I was raised by [any animal seen on the BBC’s Planet Earth] working multiple jobs in a [manly-type job site]. My hard work earned me acceptance to [online college], and the institute’s generous [favorite dessert topping] enabled me to attend. I had fulfilled my [adjective] dream.
I started at this company in [year] as an [McDonald's job title], became the head of [any famous, singing-family act] and, a couple of years before [corporate overloard]’s meltdown last [month on a Wookie calendar], was named the head of [something you would like to be head of, but will never be because you simply aren't good enough]. Over this period the [crime. plural] were consistently profitable — in most years generating net profits of well over [number and currency]. Most recently, during the dismantling of [corporate overlord], I was an integral player in the [business term neither you nor I understand]. As you know, business unit sales like this are crucial to [corporate overlord]’s effort to repay the [entity you owe money to].
The profitability of the [plural noun] with which I was associated clearly supported my [noun]. I never received any [nasty noun] resulting from the [adjective] [plural noun] that are now losing so much money. I did, however, like many others here, lose [noun] in the form of [noun] invested in the capital of [corporate overlord]. because of those losses. In this way I have personally suffered from [disease mentioned on House, but not lupus] — directly as well as indirectly with the rest of the [plural ethnic slur likely to be uttered by Limbaugh in private].
I have the utmost respect for [sex act] you are now performing at [public place] You are as [the opposite of blameless] for these [terrible occurance] as I am. You answered your country’s [noun] and you are taking a tremendous [present participle] for it.
But you also are aware that most of the [insect found in the Amazon] of your [adjective] unit had nothing to do with the large [plural noun]. And I am [adjective] and [adjective] over your lack of support for us. I and many others in the [high school club] feel betrayed that you failed to stand up for us in the face of [adjective] and [adjective] accusations from certain members of [80s hair band] last Wednesday and from [media outlet] over our [adjective] payments, and that you didn’t defend us against the baseless and reckless comments made by [have at it].
My guess is that in [month, year], when you learned of these [plural noun], you realized that the employees of [India-based call center] needed some incentive to stay and that the contracts, being both [adjective] and [adjective], should be left to stand. That’s probably why [corporate overlord] management assured us on [three-digit number] occasions during that month that the company would “[favorite lie]” to honor the contract guarantees.
That may be why you decided to [verb] by three months more than a [small fraction] of the amounts due under the contracts. That action signified to us your support, and was hardly something that one would do if he truly found the contracts “[anything obscene].”
That may also be why you authorized the balance of the payments on [iconic ancient monument].
At no time during the past six months that you have been leading [corporate overlord] did you ask us to [verb] these contracts — until several hours before your appearance last week before [reality show judge].
I think your initial decision to honor the contracts was both [adjective] and [adjective] astute, but it seems to have been [adjective] unwise. It’s now apparent that you either misunderstood the agreements that you had made — tacit or otherwise — with the [club you belong to], the [club you've been thrown out of], various members of [NCAA Elite Eight team] and Attorney General [Simpson's character] of [city], or were not strong enough to withstand the shifting political [plural noun].
You’ve now asked the current employees of [corporate overlord] to repay these [plural noun]. As you can imagine, there has been a tremendous amount of [noun] and heated [nasty noun] about how we should respond to this breach of [noun].
As most of us have done nothing wrong, guilt is not a motivation to surrender our [noun]. We have worked [cube root of 9] [adjective] months under these contracts and now deserve to be paid as promised. None of us should be cheated of our payments any more than a [profession beneath your station] should be cheated after he has fixed the [body part you've photographed for private viewing] but a careless [another profession beneath your station] causes a [noun] that burns the [noun].
Many of the [type of bee] have, in the past six months, turned down [plural noun] from more stable employers, based on [corporate overlord]’s assurances that the contracts would be honored. They are now [emotion] about having been misled by [corporate overlord]’s promises and are not inclined to return the [something of little value] as a favor to you.
The only real motivation that anyone at [corporate overlord] now has is fear. [cartoon character] has threatened to “[verb] and [rhyming verb],” and his counterpart in [theme park], [name of character on The Office], has made similar threats — even though attorneys general are supposed to stand for [noun], to conduct [another noun] in courts and not [least favorite media outlet].
So what am I to do? There’s no easy answer. I know that because of hard work I have benefited more than most during the [happy event] and have saved enough that my [professional sports team] is unlikely to suffer devastating losses during the current [nasty noun]. Some might argue that members of my profession have been [another easy one], and I wouldn’t disagree.
That is why I have decided to donate [noun] directly to [right-wing organization of Christian zealots]. This is not a [adjective] gimmick; I simply believe that I at least deserve to dictate how my [plural noun] are spent, and do not want to see them disappear back into the obscurity of [ancient place]. Our earnings have caused such a distraction for so many from the more pressing issues our country faces, and I would like to see my [noun] benefit those truly in need.
On [your birthday] I received a payment from [corporate overlord] amounting to $[prime number plus your age], after taxes. In light of the [cosmic event], the actual amount I donate may be [noun] — in fact, it may end up being far [same noun] if the recent [magical spell] raising the tax on the [embarrassing noun] stands. Once all the money is donated, you will immediately receive [something you would never want to receive].
This choice is right for me. I wish others at [corporate overlord] luck finding [noun] with their difficult decision, and only hope their judgment is not clouded by {noun}.
[complete asshole], I wish you [insulting noun] in your commitment to return the [something assholes steal], and luck with the continued unwinding of the company’s [body part not spoken of in polite company] — especially [portion of that body part]. I’ll continue over the short term to help make sure no balls are [something you wouldn't want done to your balls or the balls of your best male friend], but after what’s happened this past week I can’t remain much longer — there is too much [kind of fluid]. I’m not sure how you will greet my resignation, but at least [American Idol contestant] should be relieved that I’ll leave under my own [sci-fi vehicle] and will not need to be “[funny method of removal]”
[adverb],
[first dog's name] [name of street where you live]