So this isn't GBCW at all. Everyone here who knows me knows I've been hospitalized 3 times this year with massive internal bleeding. And I'm not writing you this diary today to get anyone upset or bring anyone down but as my "final will and testament" of sorts to dkos. I love and respect this blog and the many people I have grown to know and love so dearly over the 3 years I have been privileged to post here. I have my favorites, just like anyone else and you know who you are Markos, Meteor Blades, mcjoan, OPOL, Eternal Hope, JaxDem, budydharma, ek hornbeck, trashablanca, and so many more of you in the IGTNT team.
Right now my guts are killing me and I know that God has given me these remaining days to get my affairs in order. In fact, I am bawling like a little baby to have to tell all of you this. I promise that I will continue to post here at my beloved Daily Kos until you don't hear from me anymore. Forgive this short diary...
...I promise to do better once I m able to see my keyboard once again.
::UPDATE: I've been answering as many comments as I can took a short break to thank four special groups of kossacks and to wish them godspeed in their continued search for marriage equality, the end of DADT. It goes without saying that their time has more than come, it is paramount that in the land of the free that no longer can some enjoy the sweet fruits of liberty, while others get only the pits! The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered Community among us deserve our full support, and all of you know that I've always had each and every one of your backs. And I will go to my grave in the knowing that one day we shall overcome! "Ich bin ein gayliner!"
Thanks to everyone for taking the time here today to say farewell, but never goodbye!
Here's a letter I got tonight from JaxDem:
"The selfish part of me wants to plead for you to please, please don't give up. Please, please fight. We need you, I need you.
The unselfish part of me who cares very much about you and knows you to be an honorable man who has lived an honorable life, wants to telll you that if you believe it is time; if you are ready; if you cannot take the pain and suffering - then just let go. Let go and go where you will be healthy, pain free and happy. Know that as surely as you have touched my life and left such a beatiful impression, then there are many, many others you have touched as well.
Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
Love and Hugs
Jax
Here's what I wrote back to her, but my feelings tonight apply to all of you, as well:
"Dearest JaxDem,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I was talking to my live-in caregiver who has taken care of me for the past 7 years. I was talking to her about how my mom died from emphysema. The docs only gave her 5 years to live but she fooled them all and lived 18, from the day she was medically retired at the young age of 40. But she never complained to anyone and when she called me the day before she passed on June 30, 1990 at the age of 58, nobody would've believed she was at deaths door.
I guess I inherited that trait from her, because when I told my care-giver that I was at the doors, she gve me the strangest look as if to say, "No way, not you, you're too strong". And it's true, while at the ER for 6 long hours that seemed to be a eternity before they finally sent me upstairs to the ICU, and as I kept filling up those toilets with my blood, by the time I got to the 9th one I remarked to the head ER nurse, "To tell you the truth I can't believe that I'm still standing; I can't believe I'm still alive. I've never seen so much blood come out of someone who was still alive."
I told her that I believed that God was still keeping me around for some purpose or he was just giving me enough time to get my affairs in order. I haven't told anyone else on dkos, but when they did the ultrasound on my liver, pancreas, gallbladder and heart, I turned around and noticed a 4 inch black shadowy circle on my liver and asked the tech, "I've got cancer don't I?" She stood there dumfounded, "You know I'm not allowed to tell you anything, but yes that black shadow is on your liver."
So today, something came over me I never felt before,and I became distraught and over-come with grief. That's when I decided to write that diary today, just in case I suddenly was called home to the Lord, and nobody on dkos knew anything but that I simply wasn't there anymore. I felt that I owed my "family"(you guys)at least a heads up. I am filled with so much pain in my lower stomach past my rib cage. I've always had a high threshold for pain but THIS HURTS! I'm even tempted to ask my docs for morphine, and I never even take an aspirin unless I can't stnd the pain anymore.
And the sad fact is I have never quit anything in my life and there is so much work left to do! I'm not going to quit! And I told the Lord(yes I am a christian-imperfect in every way but still I don't base my faith on myself but on the one who hung on that cross) that if he wants to take me now it will be against my will. Everyone is born and everyone dies. I'm nobody special in that regard. I've lived throught the best of times and the worst of times. Was blessed with so many gifts and yet never lived up to their billing. That sounds so full of it doesn't it? Everyone is gifted in their own way. I'm always very careful not to exalt myself above my station. No false humility here.
I love America with all of my heart and soul, and I love dkos and just about everyone there so fervently that there are times when I say to myself that that I would give every ounce of blood I have if America would become once again the light of the world. I know that sounds weird. I guess I've always had too much heart to be a guy or even a human being living in these hard, dog eat dog times.
Well, since I've already talked your ears off, I guess I better cut this off short(er). I'm going to try and answer everyone's comments now. I am overwhelmed by yours and everyone's outpouring of hugs and love(empathy and compassion) they have shown this "tourist who is just passing through. Thanks for yourlove and hugs, and for simply caring, JaxDem. I'm not leaving until that one day comes and I get to put my hands in those nailprints and I get to thank him face to face for taking my place on that old rugged Roman cross. I just told him yesterday he was a better man than me to do it. "You didn't have to but you did it anyway", I tearfully told him.
Bye for now. Bobby's not leaving-just yet!
Thanks for being you, the very best friend that anyone could ever have!
Bobby Webb (IKBII)
Thank you all for giving this old man the best day of his life!