An update on the situation with my mother as I head back into the whirlwind.
In yesterday's diary I commented that my signature seemed ironic that hope was gone and it at that time it really seemed to be. Everyone was telling us that the chances of my mother recovering or even still being there in a meaningful sense were extremely low, as a nurse told my sister that night " miracles do sometimes happen but it's really not looking good". So after the pain of yesterday I woke up today feeling somewhat anesthetized which I thought was probably merciful as I couldn't have handled much more of how I felt that day. I went to hospital heavy hearted and went in to see my mother and..... she was there, I was sure of it, I even think she was trying to speak (which obviously she couldn't with a ventilator in her mouth)and she seemed to respond to commands albeit hesitantly, slowly. The nurse was not convinced though and as I left I wondered if I was imagining things, if I was delusional because it's what I wanted to see so badly.
Still as I left the hospital hope seemed to have rekindled in my heart, the colors seemed more vivid, life seemed to exist again. I must confess I truly had given up on Monday for the first time since this whole thing started in October, I've always been an optimist but the events of the weekend and what I heard and saw on Monday drummed that out of me completely. Every time I tried to hold to something the medical staff reminded me that it had taken 40 minutes for her heart to start beating again which was obviously a sign that they didn't believe that there was a chance.
Later I met my father for dinner and the hope truly blossomed again. while he was there the nurse asked her to stick her tongue out and she did! She's still with us! In that moment truly life started to seem more real again I suddenly got my appetite back it was such an amazing thing to hear, such an amazing thing.
Now I'm in a different (but somewhat familiar) place despair has been replaced by worry and fear, I can't sleep because my heart is pounding because now we've got something to lose again and my mother is still in a very dangerous place, the future is as uncertain as ever, she can't use her arms at the moment which would be devastating in its own way if it persisted long term, but the important thing, for me, the only important thing that matters is that she is still there.
Fear worry and at times sheer terror may not be pleasant things to experience and they take their own toll as I have learned over the past months and the destination is now as uncertain as it ever was. There are so many things I hope for. First I hope she will live second and almost as important I hope she will have a good quality of life. I dream that she will be able to come home one day, she was so desperate to come home before this setback as I'll now describe it. It's a time filled with fear but I'll take it a million million times over what I had on Monday because once again..
I hope