My parents baptized me as a baby. I became Catholic before I could learn to speak or became self aware. It is strange that my mother never went to mass or professed any faith. Occasionally, you can get her to talk about a higher power, but maybe that was from one of the 12 Steps she had to take. Maybe she is one of those Catholic atheists. My father still attends mass every Sunday, but never talks about God or religion.
I went to Catholic grammar school and high school. I kind of liked being catholic growing up. I mean, we had the Pope! The true Vicar of Christ! I learned the history and found out that the Catholic Church wasn't always so great as to avoid a schism or two. I never went for that infallibility shit. In fact, there were a lot of things I didn't go for. When I left for college, I effectively left the faith. Though, I always thought it was a part of me.
I never understood the conflict between science and religion. The problem I had wasn't with science oriented folks, it was with the religious folks who saw science as a threat. I always thought that no matter how much scientific understanding we gain, if you want to believe in an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresence, why wouldn't greater understanding of the world just make your belief that much stronger and wonderful?
I recently had to call a spade a spade. I'm an atheist. I had held on to some morsel of catholic identity all my life. It might not be something I can ever get rid of. But I can get rid of any notion of faith. Faith in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, saints, angels, heaven, hell, etc. I have not real religious faith for so long I don't remember what it's like. I had clung to some fundamental concepts like God, but I couldn't defend them to others and ultimately myself.
The phrase reality based community resonates with me. A religion, any religion, is certainly not that. I don't believe in fairy tales. I don't like to apply mythic structures to understand my personal history, nor general history. It never stands up to scrutiny. The human mind wants to apply an order onto the reality it digests. But the reality has its own order nothing like our heuristics.
The search for meaning and permanence is just vanity. There is nothing that prevents death, not even heaven. People know this and that is why people do not want to die. Those of us humans who live now or who have lived are extraordinarily lucky. There is pain, suffering, misunderstanding, and ignorance yes. But there is also profound joy at times. The sun will eventually nova, but I think we will be extinct long before then. The merit of our existence does not hinge on whether there is an afterlife or whether there is a record of our lives or civilization.
I had said earlier that I never understood the conflict between science and religion. But I know that religion feels threatened by science. And that is for only one reason. Religion is completely arbitrary. Things are so because they are so, so they are so. When a scientific process uncovers evidence to the contrary, it undermines religious authority. The battles over evolution vs. creationism in the classroom are not as much about what as about who. Who gets to shape the minds of the future.
I was a Christian once. As I understood Christendom. Forgiveness, understanding, sacrifice for others, humility. The appalling sanctimony of today's Christian NationTM is nothing like I remember Christianity. That's because I was able to cherry pick the stuff I liked. The American Taliban wouldn't recognize my old religion. That's because they cherry picked different stuff than I did.
I'm an atheist now. Perhaps I always was. I want what's best for my country and world. We are not going to solve our problems if we continue to fight about whose imaginary deity is the one true imaginary deity. We are not going to solve our problems if our political leaders continue the attack on secularism. Religious freedom is only possible if there is a separation of Church and State. Freedom is only possible when there is a separation of fact and fiction.