It was a year ago that I was either going to GBCW to my living situation or to my life. Thankfully I chose the former and checked into the clinic to be treated for the PTSD and depression. My living situation was just no longer sustainable; it wasn't even living - just existing.
The clinic dealt me a better hand. I got my life back on track - at least manageable, got back to my dissertation, gave a paper at a conference in March (and why I've stayed away from this time sinkhole named Daily Kos), abstinent from booze while working on sobriety with AA. Hell, I even quit smoking in Christmas Eve, though now I need to lose a pound or two.
And I met a really cool woman and we've developed a serious relationship. That also has done wonders for me as I am 45 and I thought, when I was simply existing, that that sort of thing wasn't in the cards for me.
Then this week happened...
I am not sure how to deal with this but there is no question that deal with it I will. This woman that I love very much is now in the clinic since yesterday and diagnosed with schizophrenia, hallucinations, and paranoia.
I am sure I am not the only kossack in this boat. That is why I am writing this diary, perhaps others have some advice. Let me say first of all that it doesn't deter me in the least from my commitment to this woman but I feel kinda helpless at the moment. It was very difficult yesterday to see her strapped to that bed in the secure ward.
This last year has been wonderful for us both. The best year I've had since I can remember. She finished her magisterium (a combined undergrad/grad program at the MA level her in Germany although they are phasing it out in favor of the BA/MA model) in social pedagogy, psychology and education. Three weeks ago she landed a job with an excellent starting salary at a home for troubled youths in the area although the shift work was taking a toll on her. I thought perhaps she simply needed time to adjust from student life to working life. And while I got service connected for PTSD in February 2009, I am still waiting for my rating and backpay, so we were talking about when I got my back pay that perhaps we would take a hiking vacation to Iceland in late summer/early autumn.
Then her mother showed up unexpectedly on Friday morning. Now there is some history there and my partner was emotionally and physically abused as a child. I am speculating that working with troubled (and abused) youths and the unexpected shock of her mother showing up was her trigger.
Since then things got really weird. Her sister drove up from Nuremberg, about two hours away, on Sunday. She asked me to look after my partner and take her to the doctor on Tuesday (Monday was a catholic holiday). The doctor's office was closed, but all day my partner would laugh at in-approriate things, like she was stoned or something.
Then Tuesday night, I woke up around 11 PM because it was too warm and I went into my room to write some more on the diss. About 2 AM my partner comes into my room and there behind her are two big guys.
It was the polizei.
My partner had woken up, was half dressed, left without me even noticing, and was driving on the highway without her lights turned on. No alcohol or drugs, so the polizei brought her home and then took her to the psychiatric clinic after we spoke about it but the polizei said she reacted as if she was stoned as well. They were really actually very nice guys.
At 6AM, the door to the bedroom opens and it is my partner - she escaped from the clinic. I still do not know how but she still has the intraveneous thingy-ma-bob in her wrist.
I took her to our doctor while she kept trying to go to the dermatologist and dentist along the way. The doctor referred her back to the clinic. She was by this time just like a five-year-old child and I had to bribe her with chinese lunch and then an icecream cone to get her to the clinic. Then, as I am speaking on the intercom with the orderlies to get inside, she disappears.
I was in a panic. They called the polizei once more. Eventually they found her in another part of the clinic. It was rough. She sent me a sms from the clinic
Wenn du das liest, sind dann Olga und Bjoern nicht mehr unsere kinder?
If you read this, then are Olga and Bjoern not our children anymore?
Yes, that question makes no sense in either German or English and we don't have kids. I brought her some things yesterday and it was hammer-hard, as they say here, to see her strapped to the bed. She tried to once again leave the clinic and take her roommate's clothes with her (she thought they were a gift).
So, yea, I am not sure how to deal with this but deal with it I will. I love this woman, just the way she is. I guess that is the real meaning of in sickness and in health of those wedding vows. Maybe just writing a diary is a way to deal with it.
Thanks for listening/reading