In light of the Obama Administration's recent attack on the constitutionally protected religious freedom of certain Catholic men to dictate when and how women can have sex, I thought it my duty to bring to Rick Santorum's attention a vile infringement of my own religious freedom.
My letter to Rick Santorum, sent earlier this evening:
Mr. Santorum,
Congratulations on your recent wins in Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri. I write to you to ask for your commitment to end a serious government infringement of my religious freedom.
I studied at a large state-funded university in a swing state in the Upper Midwest. When I return to campus as an alumnus to watch football games, when I’m in the stadium, the university prohibits me from buying alcohol.
The problem here, you see, is that I’m a Lutheran. And Lutherans drink beer. Lots of beer. So by prohibiting me from buying beer at the stadium, the university—an arm of the state—is infringing on my religious freedom to enjoy booze during athletic events. I implore you that, if elected president, you will pledge to end this dire infringement of my religious freedom, which the Founding Fathers fought so hard to establish. Pledge to stop state-funded universities (at least in the Big Ten) from trampling on the Constitution!
Thank you, and God bless America.
Regards,
[Name Redacted]
P.S., if you think this request sounds ridiculous and petty, know that there are actual people out there right now claiming that a requirement that women be able to obtain contraception under their employer-provided health insurance would violate a man’s religious freedom. These people effectively want the government to allow employers to dictate when and how their female employees can have sex. We studied the Constitution at law school ([University Name Redacted], 2003), and I don’t remember the case that said that the First Amendment allows certain people to turn their sexually repressed morality into law if they whine loudly enough. On what planet does this have anything to do with the free exercise of religion? Some people, I think, just need to get laid. Don’t you agree?
If your religious freedoms are similarly being violated, please send your own message:
Contact Rick Santorum.