Delayed a day, the GOP kicked off their convention yesterday with two big themes: "We built it" and "Women's night."
It was kind of weird, those themes. First of all, because "we built it" isn't controversial. That's what Pres. Barack Obama said before his comments were spliced and diced and pieced together to say something that he didn't. So did we build it? Yup. We all did. No one succeeds by their lonesome self.
It was also weird because male speakers outnumbered the women, by a lot. But I guess Republicans were just really proud of themselves for allowing any womenfolk onto the stage. It's progress, I guess.
And nothing says "progress" and "commitment to the ladies" like scheduling Rick Santorum who, as we found out, has a bizarre hand fetish.
He loves crippled hands, hands that bring pain, tiny hands, the hand of American freedom hands, thick hands, and broken hands that just need to be cradled. I wish I was exaggerating.
I held its hand. I shook the hand of the American Dream. And it has a strong grip.
Republicans have a hard time with metaphors, which even they had to admit:
I'm afraid Santorum has jumped the rhetorical shark with this hands business. One of the worst conceits ever.
— @jpodhoretz via web
Catch my recap of the rest of the evening below the fold.
A bunch of Republican governors launched their 2016 presidential bids. Theme of the night: Ignore Mitt Romney, and if you must mention him, by no means say, suggest, or even hint that you like him. Because you don't. No one does. And you don't want his stench tarring you in four years.
Virginia's Bob McDonnell spoke about how some company called Exhibit Edge totally built that without anyone's fucking help. The company is totally Galt, refusing to sell exhibits for anyone exhibiting in government-financed convention centers (which is all of them). And their website so totally doesn't have a section on how to "secure work from the government," except that it does.
The best Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker was able to say about Romney is that he picked Paul Ryan: "Then, with the announcement of Paul Ryan as his running mate, Governor Romney not only showed that he has the experience and the skill needed to become president, he showed he has the courage and the passion to be an exceptional president." Was he courageous because he appeased the party's rabid wing with the Ryan pick, or was he courageous because he pissed away the GOP advantage with seniors? Walker didn't explain.
Oh, and did you know that Wisconsin company G3 Industries totally built it ... with U.S. government contracts? It's not like they even keep it a secret. From their about page:
At some point during these proceedings, two Republican delegates
threw nuts at an African American CNN camerawoman and said, "This is how we feed the animals." Because they're Republicans, of course.
And in one of the more hilarious and surreal moments of the convention, New Mexico small business owner Phil Archuletta spoke about how his business couldn't survive without government contracts and how he needed more of them. Seriously.
For the last 40 years, my company has built the road signs on the Forest Service road system. In fact, in 1984, I was fortunate to receive the national award from President Reagan for being the most successful minority business in the United States. In 2004, President Bush made it possible for our company to manufacture signs for all federal agencies.
The most successful minority business, per Ronald Reagan, was one that lived exclusively off government contracts. Good job, convention planners!
When President Obama came on board and pushed the stimulus, I believed my business was going to explode with work. Unfortunately, it never happened.
So the stimulus wasn't bad because the stimulus was inherently bad, it was bad because this dude wasn't able to get more government contracts. And that's bad! But it wouldn't have been if he hadn't been outbid by someone doing the job for less (Free enterprise! More efficient cost-effective government!).
But he built it, right? Right?
Today I'm barely hanging on with orders from the State of New Mexico.
Wow. So not only did we learn that 1) the convention planners didn't bother to vet their speakers, but 2) it's clear that Republicans can't find a single business that didn't grow thanks to either government help, money, infrastructure or services.
Back to the headliners, Nevada Gov. Brian Sandoval spoke, and he wasn't a woman. I just read the transcript, and I still don't remember what he spoke about.
But if Sandoval was boring, the inevitable next senator from Texas, teabagger Ted Cruz, was the night's biggest bust. Given the love the conservative base heaps on this guy, you'd expect fire and brimstone. But nah, he was dull, dull, dull. Either he's the most boring guy to get Republicans all atwitter since Fred Thompson, or he was neutered by convention planners fearful of another Pat Buchanan moment. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and blame the convention planners, but ... Phil Archuletta.
Artur Davis gave us a lesson on what bitterness looks like. The guy who lost his Alabama gubernatorial bid in the Democratic primary by 25 points decided to blame Obama for fooling him into being a Democrat. That Obama is quite powerful, since Davis was elected to Congress as a Democrat in 2000, long before Obama made his national debut. While pre-convention expectations were high, the speech was actually quite dull. When you keep saying, "but seriously" after jokes that no one has laughed at, perhaps you should just stick to the "seriously" part.
But perhaps the bar was set too high with Zell Miller, who was brilliant for the GOP in 2004. Joe Lieberman could never live up to Zell, but at least he was a former Democratic vice presidential candidate, and we Democrats hated him with a passion. But some random congressman who no one had ever heard of (outside political junky circles) from non-competitive Alabama who is now carpetbagging in Virginia? Eh.
But hey, look at that ... a woman! South Carolina Nikki Haley, the Romney surrogate last seen standing helplessly by as Newt Gingrich won her state in the Republican primary. Given that it was the night of the women, it was really sweet of the GOP to include more than one. She spoke about how much she hates immigrants. And it's okay for her to say that because her parents were immigrants, and she'd want them to be treated the same way immigrants are being treated today by the GOP.
She didn't explain why she hates her parents.
And then there was the headliner of the evening, Ann Romney! Except that she wasn't the headliner of the evening. It was Chris Christie. You'd think that on the night dedicated to the ladies, they could at least give the top spot to the nominee's wife, but nah. Even Ann has to play second fiddle.
So this was the big one, Operation Make Mitt Look Like A Human. Thus far, every effort to do so has failed miserably—his high school friends said he was a bully and like Lord of the Flies. His kids talk about how Grandpa Mitt cuts to the front at the dinner line and finishes eating before the rest of the family sits down. He tells people he hates their cookies and their ponchos. And isn't it wonderful how much he gives to charity? FUCK NO! It makes him cry to part with ANY of his hundreds of millions of dollars, even to his church that he believes in so much.
So did she succeed? Well, she made it damn clear that her marriage with Mitt Romney is "real." So stop saying it isn't! Not that anyone has ever questioned the legitimacy of their marriage or, say, demanded to see their marriage certificate only to brush it off as an obvious forgery! But just in case, it's really real!
So if her goal was to make sure no one doubted that Ann and Mitt Romney were married, then success! Mission accomplished. Beyond that, we learned she was all about love, mentioning the word 13 times, which was just two less than the 15 times she mentioned Mitt (who was thrilled that someone was finally talking about him!).
Thankfully, this being the GOP, we couldn't let that "love" shit stick around, so Chris Christie closed out the night of the women by saying, and I quote:
I believe we have become paralyzed by our desire to be loved.
Take THAT, Ann Romney! And if you wondered if anyone actually worked to create a coherent narrative for the evening and actually vetted these things, the answer was now a conclusive "no."
What can we say about Christie? He yells because he fucking hates everyone. So stop loving shit. But he does love talking about himself. And more about himself. And yet more.
Eventually, about 20 minutes in, he got to Mittens. Briefly. And that was that.