I have a regret that has stuck with me over 40 years. It comes back to me occasionally. I'll be waiting in a line, and suddenly it pops into my mind.
When I heard of Mandela's death, it brought it all back. So after all these years, I want to apologize. It won't take long. I just need to finally say I'm sorry even though the chance is remote the kid will ever see this.
It happened in middle school about 40 years ago. I remember so vividly the school cafeteria - the constant din, the rattling and banging of lunch trays, the chaos of about 1,000 kids in a middle school lunch room.
I never saw the (supposed) infraction that started everything. I was sitting with friends close to where it happened. I heard the principal yell stop to a black kid. The kid looked small to me. Maybe he was in 7th grade and hadn't grown yet, or maybe he was just going to be short. But he looked younger than me.
All the kid-type sounds stopped. I turned and a couple of yards away from me the principal stood next to this black kid. Drama involving the principal was rare enough that we were all focused and quiet to see what was going on. Most of knew the trouble-makers, and this child wasn't one of them.
The principal sternly told the little black kid to get on his knees and apologize.
Get on his knees? I'd never seen anything like that. You could hear the in-drawn breaths.
The kid slowly got down on his knees, in front of almost the entire school. The cafeteria was silent, the only thing we could hear was his reedy little voice, apologizing.
I know with certainty the principal would never have humiliated a white child like that. Never. What a bully.
Humiliation is the most destructive emotion, I think. It results from someone having their whole existence, their very being, challenged. Being "dissed" or disrespected is a quicker prelude to a fight that mere hatred. Hate is a strong, pro-active emotion. But the only way to respond to being humiliated is to defend yourself, to re establish your validity as a person.
And in front of the whole school, the principal humiliated this kid, who had to get on his knees to apologize.
I did nothing. Not a damn thing. I was such a law-abiding, authority-respecting shy kid, I would not have challenged a school principal in front of everyone. But I could have said something or done something to show his feelings were important, that he was respected as a person.
What became of him? Did he feel rage, anger? Did he take part in the race riots we had? Maybe he participated in civil rights events. Or maybe he just kept the feelings inside, another of the horrible memories most of have from middle school, and just went on with his life.
I participated in civil rights marches. I wrote letters to the editor, even as a kid. But at that one moment when I could have done something for a person instead of just for a group, I didn't. I should have.