That bird's gonna poop on Free Enterprise? Let's kill it.
Dear God, no. I realize that attempts to turn
otherwise terrifying conservative loudmouths into preschool heroes is at this point a
common and expected thing, but getting a "Ted Cruz coloring book" as a present is a pretty sure sign your grandma
doesn't really love you.
Some of the “non-partisan, fact-driven” things children will learn from the new book are:
- Ted Cruz Is A Man Of Great Virility And Stamina: Many “career establishment politicians are far too out of shape, old or overweight to even perform such a magnificent feat” as standing on the Senate floor and talking for over 21 hours. But not Ted Cruz!
- Ted Cruz Can See The Future: Cruz spoke with “clairvoyant precision” about the “quickly approaching Obama Care disaster.
I like the cover picture of Business Jesus Ted Cruz
bazingaing a tea party plant to life, though, as well as the knowing look:
Yo, kids, who wants to help me kill a whole _mess of butterflies?_ A much better effort than the draft version that had Ted Cruz pointing knowingly to a van marked
Tea Party: free candy inside.
There are some conservative heroes that are just not made out to be childhood heroes. You want to make an Ayn Rand coloring book, fine, I'm sure there are a lot of college Republicans who might still enjoy coloring in the dark circles under Ayn's eyes and imagining themselves seduced, or whatever it is they do after they've read two thirds of Atlas Shrugged and given up like everyone else. But there is no reason to force your child to pretend to give a damn about the various goings on in and around the cranial cavities of one Sen. Ted Cruz. "Here, little Jimmy, let's look at the reason why you getting your new health insurance is worse than Hitler" does not make for compelling coloring book material unless you are a sociopa—ah, I stand corrected. I understand.
All of the people who presumably will actually buy this thing are convinced, mind you, that America is constantly "indoctrinating" their children by teaching them science or allowing the poor kids to eat alongside the rich kids in the cafeteria. Indoctrinating your child as to the latest political fad, though, now that's just good parenting. After hearing about the adventures of a time-travelling conservative radio loudmouth who's gone back to slutshame Betsy Ross, coloring in the podium from one of Important Person Ted Cruz's many various public tantrums is probably as good a way for your child to relax as any.