Our Christmas holidays are like many others in America, but not. Yes, each year my wife's family gather, though in two groups roughly a thousand miles apart. Our two households are out on the Front Range in Colorado, while three others, (my wife's brother's and youngest sister's plus her parents), who live in the Chicago area. This year, our dinner got a bit surreal when my sister-in-law, our hostess succumbed by her natural good nature and her adult boys pleading, invited her ex-husband to join with us for holiday dinner. Yes, her former husband with her current husband of six years.
The two live only a few miles apart, where the now their adult boys officially reside with him. She however still weekly connects with her ex as they have joint custody of the old family dog. Legally. Where they trade half of each week. Her boys, similar ages as our adult children, come over to her house often, mostly to eat, enjoy a better TV and party. But they rarely sleep over. The oldest still pursuing his bachelor's degree, while her youngest, along with our two, graduated this year. We foresee the leaving of the nest in 2014. Something us adults were celebrating, often, as simultaneously, our children, showed sarcastic ambivalence. As in, “geez get over it, Mom & Dad”!
Our two family gatherings have now included a new holiday tradition, the 3rd year that we have SKYPE'D during the holiday festivities. At Thanksgiving we skyped during dinner. Yes actually when we were sitting down and eating. My own father's ironclad edict during supper time, where no could be on the phone once dinner began, is now stricken. This family purposely gets on an Internet call during holiday dinners! It really is a weird experience. Groups of eight and nine people sitting at their respective dining room tables simultaneously attempting to eat their feast and also trying to pay attention to a the laptop or tablet that is taking their images and utterances. Then on top of that watching the other household do the same on a big screen TV off to the side. Christmas, we transmitted during the present exchange as we opened presents. Again this was kind of like having a live News feed reporting on your family's traditions knowing the activities are being broadcast in both locations. That is not the real subject of this essay, just a bit of backdrop that we might be a bit weird.
Okay, now to the meat of the story. After we opened presents my sister-in-law's ex husband arrived at the door. We all greeted him with warm fuzzies, he looked nervous. Once, the initial awkwardness wore off and our welcoming went away us guys invited him out to the backyard, where we had a bonfire going, an excuse to roast Mosco [Pueblo large green] peppers and chestnuts. It was an activity between the presents and our holiday feast. It was a great weather day, mid fifties near Boulder, sunny and lite wind so it was easy to go outside away from the gals. And instead of the usual turkey or ham plus fixings, we decided this year we would have a Southwest/Mexican style holiday feast. Actually we all enjoyed it immensely. Going forward, —Liberals TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND NEW, it is fun.
Standing around the bonfire, the three of us now approaching seniordom, (the ex brother-in-law is now on SS) got reacquainted, when the subject of marijuana arose. "In a week, it will be perfectly legal to go into a retail Colorado Pot Shop (as the News so sarcastically calls them), and purchase up to an ounce of fine grade cannabis." Now I have known my ex-brother-in-law dating back to the early 80s when I knew him before he got weird, after moving out here in the late 90s and then suddenly going evangelical and attending a mega-church. I knew him before he found his religion inside Right-wing talk radio. Before that transformation I witnessed his depression from diminished income and loss of wealth due to rapidly changing technology that killed the old family business in the early 90s. I also knew him before the Reaganesue period when installation of drug testing came about, I knew him as he never, ever pass up an opportunity to take a toke. He never had it himself but pass up a toke, never?
Upon mentioning the subject of marijuana his eyes suddenly popped out then he took a couple small steps back from the outdoor fireplace, "you guys don't have some?" There was a smile from the both of us, the host said, "someone has something around here, interested?
More below the orange swirls
He immediately responded, "No, I think it is wrong."
I replied “what you think be it either right or wrong, it is immaterial. In Colorado it is legal.” Almost on cue his boys joined us from inside, one pulling out a small bud from a container that was on a plastic lawn table near the bonfire.
As the bud was shared my ex-brother-in-law remained verbally righteous, admonishing his own adult boys for partaking in such a heinous activity, especially on Christmas Day. I always note when someone says something is even more heinous of tragic during Christmas time. Anyway, it was a fine sample of sativa providing a mild mood enhancement for the rest of the afternoon.
After his scolding I added two things: “Recent surveys (actually 32% found in Pew Research last March), found that only a third of Americans view consumption of pot or marijuana or cannabis or any other term you want to use, as being immoral. Kind of in line with much of how the current political polarization is divided exists, about a third of America is opposed to any change or real freedom."
There was laughter and with the comments for me to keep it out of politics and religion.
I continued, "Two. In a book I am now reading on medical research regarding marijuana, a guy named Warner reports that binge-drinkers actually benefit from the consumption of marijuana.” ( Marijuana, Gateway to Health, Clint Warner, 2011 Dachstar Press)
There was facetiousness cheers and revelry about my reference, where both of them wanted me to show proof. Luckily I brought along the book to read in the car! After the non-believing calmed down as we were successful in blackening the Mosco peppers, I made one more anecdotal quip.
"Serious research studies are now revealing that marijuana actually is a promising cure and or preventive or therapeutic help for many cancers, Alzheimer, ALS, epilepsy seizures, alcoholism, diabetes, even heart disease, so there is much hope for us going forward if we can just get past this stigma.”
The atmosphere remained in polite disbelief when upon returning into the house with the peppers where I retrieved the book and read the following passage as adults were assembled in the kitchen.
“ALS may be yet another neural degenerative condition that responds to cannabis-based therapies. For example, one study of mice with ALS found that treatment with cannabinoids increase their survival rate by 56%. (Journal of Neurochemistry 101, April 2007, Shoemaker, Jenifer, L). In in humans with ALS, this would translate to a three-year increase in survival time. By contrast, the only FDA approved drug for ALS (riluzole) extends survival time on average by only two months.
These hence led a team of researchers from the University of Washington to call for more clinical trials on cannabis for ALS. They stated that 'it is reasonable to think that cannabis might significantly slow the progression of ALS, potentially extending life expectancy and substantially reducing the overall burden of the disease'. He also explained that an effective treatment for ALS would undoubtedly require a complex cocktail that worked with neurotransmitters, enzymes, inflammation, and neurons—but that 'remarkably, cannabis appears to have activity in all those areas'. (American Journal of Hospital Palliative Care, May, 2010, Carter GT). After so many years of being told that marijuana is harmful to the brain, it is truly stunning it's only to learn that it actually protects the brain against many of the most notorious diseases.
It may also help counteract the damage done by alcohol abuse. A fastening study found that binge drinking adolescents who also use marijuana have less overall reduction in brain function than those binge drinkers who do not use marijuana. (Neurotoxicology and Terotology 31, November-December 2009, Jacobus, J). bold emphasis mine
"
Where did you get this book?" my sister-in-law, chimed, then she inquired further why are we on the subject of marijuana in the first place, what are you guys up to? That just invited cat calls from her adult boys, who now joked that she better smoke some pot so it can protect her from today's Christmas Day binge-drinking. Our adult daughter added that there is a family in our church were the father is wheel-chair bound with ALS. They moved here in 2008 because of medical marijuana, as both worked for the defense industry. My new brother-n-law had to examine the book, saying; "this is real?"
The subject then moved on about whether we roasted enough peppers when it prompted her invited 'ex' to inquire why were we having a Mexican dinner? I would like to point out that it was good for him to be invited and be with a family, his boys, the loneliness on a national-cultural holiday must be so depressing for many broken families across this land.
Our daughter responded to say it was her idea, that we all have had enough traditional holiday feasts, "it is so 'same-old, same-very old'". Then our hostess proudly stated that has turned out great, everyone stepped forward contributing to the dinner unlike many other tradition feasts where us two girls do all the work. "It is much more fun for me and my sis! Even the guacamole was made by my husband, one of the boys made homemade those tortilla chips this very morning, while the other picked up some yummy re-fried beans from the best taqueria in town. My sis made these homemade tamales, [pointing to me] homemade chili relleno casserole, their daughter is creator of the Tre Leches cake, and their son his signature Spanish rice, where [she] was making a pork pozole stew.
Everyone crooned with anticipation. The ex then said that he thought it was some kind of liberal symbolism he was being subjected to. (It was his attempt to make a funny.)
My reply,“well if we need symbolism for eating homemade Mexican food in Colorado, let us say we are celebrating the emerging power and significance of Latinos in our society, otherwise it is all fun!”
Waiting for the dinner, there was finally some terse words from my sister-in-law and her ex, though out earshot of most,
he was carrying a concealed gun, in her house! My sis-in-law told him that guns were not allowed in her home---period. He quietly went out to his car without an argument to put it away, he wanted to stay more than make a 2nd Amendment statement.
The casserole was taking longer than anticipated to cook, the stew needed more roasted peppers, while our son got on the rice late---meaning it was the right pace for a holiday feast. Sitting in the living room alone I was looking through one of the many books I received, (as usual), this one from my father-in-law, titled: “good without God” by Greg Epstein, the Humanist Chaplin at Harvard University.
It was just before my ex-brother-in-law came in and sat down in the adjacent living room arm chair. He told me that “the kids were down in the family room having their own conversation and playing some video game”. He then said that his ex-wife has something against guns knowing that I probably overheard her firm words, saying, "people just don't understand that guns protect people."
I said, "Maybe she intuitively knows what a recent scientific study found that where as there is an increase in gun ownership, there is a corresponding increase in gun deaths, probably something to do with human nature." (see American Public Health Association article September 2013) "You know you ask me to respect your right to own a gun and you better respect others to not bring it here or there. But what gives, I never took you for a gun toter?"
He replied almost sheepishly that it make him feel safe, I replied tell that to the
14 year old girl who was shot and killedat 6AM in her own home by her stepfather in Colorado Springs. Guess that family still feels safe now?
He then noticed the book that I had set down on the end table between us where he said clumsily, or at least uncouthly, “Who would buy this book?” I smiled as if the I had just ate the canary, “Why your former father-in-law, it is one of his presents he gave me. We kind of exchange books on the eloquent universe, humanism, evolution and of course the Cubs."
“You haven't changed.” He responded with a smile. “You probably also read all sorts liberal political books too”, as he picked up the book and continued, “how could anyone be good without the salvation of God? You haven't changed a bit.”
My response I think kind of caught him off guard, (paraphrasing a quote from Jakob Dylan's “
One Headlight”), “
Well, I know I haven't changed, but at this age, I also know I ain't the same either.” To answer your question about good and god I think the author does that on page one. Reading aloud again:
“This is not a book about whether one can be good without God, because that question does not need to be answered--- it needs to be rejected outright. To suggest that one can't be good without belief in God is not just an opinion, a mere curious musing--- it is a prejudice. It may even be discrimination. After all, would you ever ask: is it possible be a good person if you're Muslim? Or Buddhist? Or Jewish? Or Christian? Would you feel comfortable working for employer who implied that all gays and lesbians were immoral? Or all Democrats? Or all Republicans? How would you feel if your son were planning to marry someone who claimed that all Catholics were lousy, unethical human beings? Or all Protestants? This is the sort of all or nothing condemnation of a huge population one is making if one suggests that goodness and morality require belief in a deity.”
He sat back silent probably filled now with a flood of cognitive dissonance. His sons told me he basically hangs out with his church friends who are very conservative and he works pretty much alone so he is not challenged by the world of his spiraling worldviews. I said;
“Isn't it time for all us partisans to lower our proverbial swords and end this ideological cultural war, especially in our respective homes. You know our kid's generation don't think any of it is a big deal, whether one is Black or Latino or White, whether they are religious or a non-believer, whether one is gay or straight or both or even if you consume or don't consume marijuana, they don't care.”
He sat deeper into the cushy chair, as I thought his predetermined idea was us two going to go at it, if it had there would be hell to pay through much of January from my wife. Yes, I was engaging but only going so deep, mostly joking. He then said something that I am still trying to fathom its entire meaning even today.
“So much is changing. I am grateful I was able to live with my boys as they finished high school went into college, they went away for the most part, but I have not been able to influence them I think. They were Eagle Scouts but far from it now. What is going to happen to them? I see you have had a profound effect, your values are with your children, but mine, I don't seem to get much, more than lip service, sometimes I think it is more pity than even even lip service, like that pot incident outside. Who's was it, one of my boys? They know how I feel about that stuff. Your kids don't even drink, and they are always so respectful. One still hasn't finished school and the other gets his degree but now is going to Chicago into acting, I don't get it. I told them they should go into business and both have gone into art."
I felt best not immediately respond. After a few moments I said;
“We are now in the stage being full-time passive parents. We either can share values of mutual respect, admiration and inspiration or they will find a life of those things away from us and come by only because of an obligation. It is what happened on my side of the family. The old ways were no longer are relative to them so relationships turn into nice visits. I remember my grandfathers openly spouting racial bigotry, those were their values, but even my parents in the 60s especially the mothers would scold them. My grandfathers became marginalized as ranting old men. I did the same with my father. So when you pick up a book like this, then say who would buy this book, or say marijuana is wrong or anything like that, you are in effect marginalize yourself. The world changes, it is becoming our kid's world, we had our time, but the values are not just ours, they have to be relevant to their lives and time.”
He looked at me like I was speaking Latin. Soon the urgency of the holiday dinner began to take shape. The relleno casserole finally made it and it was time to set the table with heirloom china and silverware that only comes out for special occasions. Sitting down my wife's sister took out a new Unitarian Universalist chalice, (made in Kenya) and we lit it with an UU informal prayer, (as children their family was brought up as UU's, making our children 3rd generation UU's, something of a novelty in that tradition). The ex brother-in-law requested he recite his own grace, we all welcomed it, then finally we proceeded to enjoy our feast. Better than any restaurant! As the wine flowed our host mentioned if any had seen the recent News of Utah's marriage laws. One of our nephews said, “
Yeah in Utah now it is legal for both polygamy and gay-marriage!”
Our son the very recent Magna Cum Laude possessing a well-earned scientific reputation for preciseness corrected his cousin seated next to him: “Specifically a Utah State judge ruled that polygamy law's section outlawing cohabitation of multiple women was protected by due process and religious freedom. On the other hand, a Federal Judge ruled that Utah's constitutional ban on same-sex marriage violated the equal protection provision and also due process. What is troubling for the rest of the states surrounding Utah, including Colorado, except for New Mexico, if you are opposed to same-sex marriage, that it is now in the 10th Appeals Court District and that Appellate Court said there is little likelihood that the appeal will succeed based on the arguments submitted, when a emergency stay was requested.”
His other cousin then chimed in,
“Why is it troubling for Colorado?” Our son coldly replied, “well, if the Appellate Court rules that Utah's citizen initiated state constitutional ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, it conceivably would carry over through to the entire 10th District, therefore striking Colorado's 43rd Amendment ban on same-sex marriage, plus other like state amendments in Kansas, Oklahoma and Wyoming. Dominos.”
The table's response was interesting, almost like in a play or movie. The older adult UU's practically cheered, as four of us raised our wine glasses, our adult children shrugged as if to say "so what" as our daughter quipped; "Well its about time."
Our invited ex retorted, “What's next? Can they just overturn a citizen's vote like that? Aren't civil unions good enough? Why do they have to make it all the same, you know they have to respect religious rights too!”
My wife sitting next to him consoled him and explained. “No it is not enough. We have a gay couple in our church, two men, they went and got married in New Mexico, even though they have Civil Union here in Colorado, because the Federal Government will not recognize them as married for Federal benefits. One is a retired veteran and they wanted to adopt two children, all former crack babies whom they had foster cared for over the last four years and the children would not be covered by medical benefits. The only way they could adopt was if they were married. The difference is money and rights."
Unconvinced he said for the second time,
“I am not sure, I think it is wrong for same-sex marriage and for two men to adopt.”
For the second time that day I was able to say, “What you think, or what I say, is immaterial, whether we believe it to be right or wrong, it is what the law says, and soon it appears that the law going to say Gay and Straight, marriage for all and if there are sister wives involved, cohabit too! So be it, it is all within a person's private home anyway, like marijuana in Colorado.”
We all laughed, my wife added: “You know in our church we have sister wives as well!” There was a collective, come on. “No for real!" she tried continue.” Our ex-brother-in-law exacerbated exclaimed with a smile “What kind of church do you go to?” More laughter, for even he went to a UU church back when they lived in the Chicago area.
I replied, “well we have witches and pagan ceremonies, Buddhists, Hindu's, Hebrews, and Zoroastrians, humanists and even Protestant Christians and Latino Catholics, heck there is even a retired CIA analyst who is more liberal than me. It is interesting, akin to having a Mexican gourmet Christmas dinner held by a White American family in Colorado, where even an ex-wife invites her ex-husband for dinner with the family. Everyone is accepted and welcome.”
Laughter and good cheer was all abound.
After the Tre Leches cake made of three rich milks and cream, our sister-in-law's former husband said good bye and thank you.
As we were cleaning up my sister-in-law of almost thirty years, a girl who I once asked out before I dated my eventual bride, told me, "that this was good". That their personal hate and animosity of a past marriage that went bad was now diminishing and that I especially made him feel comfortable, even though my opportunistic political humor and needling 'often got close to the edge'. I told her what he said on the chair and she replied that since the business went belly up twenty years ago he has always seen the world as black & white and that change is always bad and that he just tried to copy his father who had built the original business.
Driving home later that night in the back seat of our family sedan as our adult children were taking care of the driving, my wife and I talked about the interesting Christmas Day. She then asked what were all the subjects you covered with him, I said: "Well, there was marijuana, guns, god, same-sex marriage, polygamy, parenting, and Latino food. She replied, you are nuts...