To Frum or not to frum?
That is the question.
As Pesach rushes in like the tide, a decision must be made. And I'm struggling with that decision.
More below the dooblydoo.
I get things out of being frum * * * for sure, a comfort even - but it's not always easy. Particularly when you live as far away from a community as I do and have a non-Jewish but chill about it boatmate. No matter how much I do or don't frum out in the end - there are things to consider that go beyond what I do alone and affect the running of the boat.
An absolute baseline is kashrus, which puts a lot of rules on the galley that can seem really weird. Now I do hold by a rav who says stainless steel is pretty damn hard to screw up kashrus wise - but still, rules that seem weird when you are just learning them from an outside point of view. Food will be more expensive because that's just the way it is.
With a large frum community in Portland we have access to food, we just have to drive 5 hours round trip for it - and as we live on a boat - we only have so much storage for cold or frozen items. So we have to plan carefully about what we eat and when, how to clean up - and even how not to run out of food.
It will also make things harder for the trip - as we are limited to stocking up on certain items at cities with large frum populations or begging stuff off Chabad houses internationally. Produce we can buy anywhere, and we can catch some fish I expect, but they're not just hopping in the boat and there's only so much fish I can eat in a week.
Then there's Shabbos. It would completely change up the way things are here in the boat if I just up and start Shabbosing. Sure there's the nice bit about food and singing and all that, but there's also the not being on the computer and davening and learning and napping in the middle of the boat too - which will change the feel. We have an autopilot so underway it's not as big a deal as it would be here on the dock believe it or not. I can't expect a non-Jewish person to Shabbos, but I don't want them to feel all weird about doing their own thing while I am either.
The thing is - I've already made the decision, I bought pots and pans and a new crockpot and kosher meat - I'm just waffling about it.
I know why I want to do it, I know roughly where I want to end up on the frum scale - sort of a neo-chassidiche modern orthodox with leanings toward rational interpretation of halacha in the 21st century. So I'm all over the place - but then I get to decide my own outfit as a chassid of one. I think I'm going for a bowler along with the long coat because I really like those.
But I'm planning a hair cut before the holiday and I'm already looking for charts to show them how to cut the peyos right - so the decision is really made inside. I just have a hard time judging where to stop. Most men don't even wear peyos anymore, but I really like them even though they make me look stupid. And I trim my beard which normally men who DO wear peyos never do - so it confuses people looking for the code as to who I am in the details. And holy crap is there a tonne of Judaica out there I would love to have.
But then what? Do I start learning Daf Yomi on my tablet and get a phone chavrusa - is that going to be ok or will it make me start getting crazy and picking out chumrahs to wear? It's really easy for me to do that, though in my case it's because I'm crazy, not because I'm trying to be a frum ass. I have to be careful and actually control how frum I become because the kind of mental illness I have makes religious context living very appealing. In a creepy ew, that's not helpful way.
Or do I go on an Ebay spree and get the pieces I should have been given as wedding presents - a mayim acharonim set, spare kiddush cups, washing cups, netalias yedayim towels, the 4 piece havdallah set with the flag on top, a shtender, fancy bentschers and an etrog holder?
If I have them all - will I use them? Am I able to walk a rational line, choosing the framework that works well for me as long as I keep it in sight? Can I avoid the pitfalls I've made before?
It's no easy task being a frum Jew alone. Without the easy twice daily companionship of shul and roulette of dinner invitations around Shabbos and holidays - it's hard to choose to be frum when it's so easy to be frei. But it's also hard to stay frei when you miss it - and I do.
* * * Holy Crap What Are Those Words:
Frum - to live a Jewish religious life according to Torah law. Frei people are Jews who are not living observant lives, the opposite of frum. I've been frei the last 2 years and frum most of the last 20.
Chassid, Chassidiche - an 18th century movement to embrace a philosophy of joy in being a frum Jew founded by the Baal Shem Tov. His students created many groups, the largest of which in the US are Satmar and Lubavitch. There intellectual opposition were the Misnagdim who thought that there was only so much fun one needed to be having while being a frum Jew, and certainly no mystic woo woo Jew Jew.
Pesach - Passoveran 8 day holiday with crazy cleaning and food rules that takes up all your vacation time and a serious chunk of money.
Peyos - those curls. Mine don't curl so much as flop, but there you go - you get what you get in gene roulette.
Kashrus - the laws concerning the fitness of food for Jewish consumption. It's about supervision of ingredients and following rules, not food safety or blessings.
Rav - a rabbi. "My Rav" means a rabbi that you go to for advice and guidance when you aren't sure about how Jewish law applies to a situation - every frum man is expected to have one. You can change rabbis because you prefer their interpretation.
Chabad House - an outreach program of the Lubavich Chassidiche group, the Chabad House is a frum "home away from home" for traveling Jews all over the world and often the hubs of small communities. They are run by husband and wife teams and offer education, hospitality and the basic needs of frum life to people in small communities as well. Food, services, mikvah access for married women (ritual bath) pre school, holiday services and celebrations, etc.
Shabbos - the Jewish sabbath, from Friday sundown to Saturday dark. There are 32 catagories of things that have to do with building and creative action that we don't do in that period including flip lightswitches and cook, drive or carry. Things are prepared in advance and the whole family enjoys a day of rest. Whether they want to or not.
Daf Yomi - a programme designed to help men learn one page of gemara every day, to complete the full gemara every 7 years. This is so that more men can fulfill the commandment to learn Torah every day.
Chavrusa - a study partner. Just as one is supposed to have a Rav, a man should have a learning partner to increase their Torah knowledge together. Think of it as a very small very loud bookclub of 2.
Chumrahs - restrictions that are well above and beyond an actual commandment either for the purpose of being very exacting and pious or to be a show up asshole trying to outfrum the next guy.
Mayim acharonim set - for ritual hand washing after a Sabbath or holiday meal.
kiddush cups - used for wine or grape juice as part of the beginning of meals on Shabbos and holidays. Often each man will have one and complete the blessing himself at the table one after the other.
washing cup - a 2 handled cup used for ritual handwashing before meals and in a variety of situations.
netaliyas yedayim towels - for drying after using the washing cup, the name is part of the blessing for washing hands.
havdallah set - used for the separation of holy days from regular ones, a set has a kiddush cup, candle holder and spice box often in the shape of a tower on a plate
shtender - a book stand for praying and reading that sits on a table.
bentschers - booklets that have the blessings after the meal to be recited after eating
etrog holder - a box to hold the etrog fruit used in the holiday Sukkot