I'm not going to write about politics or religion. I have no desire to argue with anyone, and frankly much of both would be opinion anyway. I have lived a very long life that has included seriously horrendous times when I wanted to die or disappear, some times when I felt so joyful I thought I would burst into fireworks of light and happiness, times when I thought I might explode with anger or melt with sadness, and of course many times in between when life was moving from one moment to another without awareness of any particular emotions.
For a few years I went to therapy to deal with some childhood issues, and after all that work I came up with a few thoughts that summed up my life at that point.
As the saying goes, when a door slams shut in one place a window opens somewhere else. After staring at the door for many years, it finally occurred to me to go look for the open window. I discovered I like sunlight and warmth much more than peeling old doors anyway, so I climbed out the window and reveled in my discovery. I will never sit behind a closed door again, no matter how comfortable my chair becomes. Me
I was only 40 or so when I came up with that summary of my life, but I still live by it. I can still see the peeling paint in my mind's eye, and it symbolizes to me still how comfortable I had become with what I had settled for in my life. To be fair, I didn't learn anything different as a child, but one would think it wouldn't take me 40 years to figure out that sunshine brings the old secrets out of the shadows where they hold us hostage. Once the sun shines on them they lose much of their power over us, but I didn't realize that until I actually climbed out of that window and vowed never again to sit in a hard, rickety chair behind a peeling door.
That wasn't the only thing that took me years to figure out, and indeed an earlier one was the first revelation that started me on a path toward the one I described above. I remember in my thirties sitting in a movie theater with a friend. I have blocked the title of the horribly graphic movie that was playing, but I do remember the torture scenes that seemed to make up most of the movie. A poor unfortunate woman was going through things that hopefully came from the writer's nightmares and not fantasies, and the movie had played for a good while when I realized what my friend and I were doing. We were both huddled together holding each other and peeking between fingers when we could manage it. We were so traumatized that we were shaking, and suddenly something occurred to me. Mind you, we were both in our thirties at the time, and it still amazes me that I sat there all that time in that movie before a coherent thought came to me. I finally turned to her and said the following:
"Hey, I just realized something. We don't have to stay and watch the movie if we don't like it. Why are we still sitting here? This is a horrible, scary, sick movie, and I want to leave. You coming?"
She sat up and we just blinked at each other in astonishment. Yes, I know many of you are saying we are slow or other less kind comments, but we left that movie to step out into bright sunlight and a whole different world. That moment I formed my first rule by which I try to live.
If I don't like the movie I can leave. I have choices, and I'm not required to sit through horrible situations to please others or be a "good girl. I can walk out of the theater into the sunshine and make the day a wondrous one, and I can choose not be abused or to harm others when possible.
Yes, I know that both of my quotes seem obvious to most, but to me and to many other people they aren't. It's easy to become conditioned as a child to be quiet, to please, to behave, or to sit through that movie so that we don't hurt anyone's feelings or get in trouble. It's also easy to carry anger under the surface where it can bubble up to be vomited at anyone who thinks differently or appears to threaten us as adults. Since anger is based on fear, we can make choices based on that conditioning and our experiences as affected adults.
No, I'm not just talking about kids who come from abusive homes, although that can make things worse, but about many of us. I'm talking about choosing partners who aren't very happy and don't really want to be, sabotaging ourselves in various ways, or choosing to inflict pain upon others. Sometimes it's in subtle ways, and sometimes it's pretty obvious to those around us, but something that I think we tend to forget is that no one else has ever lived the exact life, moment to moment, that we have lived.
Why does that matter? It matters greatly, since if we don't consider that we can't really have sympathy for anyone, including ourselves, and we won't realize that much of what we say in life or write online is our own opinion that is based on our own unique set of experiences. It matters because if we don't realize we have choices we drift though life washed by every wave that comes along, feeling sometimes as if we are drowning and sometimes pulling others with us under the water in our desperation to breathe. We might end up to be right-fighters who need the last word, terrified children huddled in corners of our own making, or just basically unhappy people. Why settle for that? Why choose to sit through those movies if other options are available?
I am 55 years old now, and sometimes I get caught up in the emotions of reading articles online just as most of us do. Sometimes I try to passionately explain why rape survivors might not speak up or how someone might be right or wrong about some wrong someone might not have done to someone, but the most important thing I have come to believe isn't about who is right or wrong, what others do, or if I win an argument. It's pretty simple. I want to leave this world a better place than when I came into it.
Yes, I know that sounds trite, and I'm sure some will disagree with me, but that is okay. As I draw my last breath I want to think about the times I made choices that made some tiny positive difference in some way. I don't really care if anyone ever even knew about whatever I thought or did, but I want to look back and think of the times I used that power of choice to not type out that post with a nasty name in it when my head was about to explode, or when I chose to do what felt right even if I lost the promotion or didn't make the money I could have made. I want to look back and see that my family and friends knew I loved them and valued them, that I did what I could to put some positive energy on the pebble dropped in the lake that sends out ripples all the way to the distant shore.
No, I don't have any delusions that I accomplish that most days, and yep, I get impatient or overwhelmed when I read news or the comments after it. But I refuse to sit behind that peeling door or through a violent and pointless movie and just endure it. I refuse to become part of the movie or wait until my rickety old chair breaks just because I get overwhelmed or upset sometimes, and I absolutely refuse to give up trying to get to the last breath without giving it my best shot at tossing the pebble with some joy or kindness on it. I know I won't see it reach the shore most of the time, but I will know I tried.
I haven't written here before because I kept starting and realizing that this site, the internet, and the entirety of life is all about choices and perspective. It's not about who made mistakes since we all do, who was right or wrong, richest, had more pain, deserved what she or he received in life, or who wins elections. Well, at least it isn't from my perspective. We have things to do in life, and we have to connect with each moment and other creatures to experience all there is and who we are meant to be, but there is more to the universe and our lives than that if we allow ourselves to also see a bigger picture.
So no, I'm not going to write about religion or politics. I guess I am just another one of those pesky inspirational-type people, but I can't help it after living all these many years through depths of misery to a place of peace. Some of us have really difficult situations in our lives and may feel it's hard to be joyful or kind to others, or maybe we don't want to feel or connect because we have been hurt, but all I know is that when I think of myself tossing that pebble into the lake before I type or speak, I find that I can feel myself taking that last breath. It absolutely matters what energy we put onto that pebble, and yes, one little ripple can find its way to the far shore as it joins other ripples to become a wave.
I invite you to join me and cast the pebble into the water with joy and peace instead of anger and sadness. Just imagine in your head if you like John Lennon singing "Imagine" or whatever else mellows you out, brush off all the negativity, and let's make a tsunami! I know life can be truly awful at times, but I also know it can be full of joy and that we can make a difference, by ourselves and even more if we do it together. It's time again every day for us to all make our choices and decide what movie we want to make instead of just watching one through our fingers. Open that old door and fill the place with sunshine!
(Yep, I know some of you are rolling your eyes, but that's okay too. It's the only pebble I keep in my pocket these days, and you have some in your pocket just waiting for a good toss yourself!)