Who wants to get married? Let's do it. Our odds of long-haul happiness will be no worse than anyone else's. We all know the claim that half of marriages conclude in divorce. True or not, I like that statistic, and I'll assert that half of the half who stick it out are just coasting on inertia, anyway. So we'll give it a go.
Man or woman, if you turn 30 single, then you have had your chance, and you failed. I am tired of the excuses. Every day I roll my eyes at another story by a social scientist declaring reasons why Americans are delaying marriage, and our marriage rates are dropping. Back in reality, when we are not bending over backwards to manufacture excuses for those who are still alone (see: Facebook), I think it clear that the unmarried post-30 unlovables all share a common link: communal possession of deal-breaking flaws. Our individual defects comprise a shared culture of inadequacy that keeps us from finding that special person to one day divorce. (Too harsh?)
There oughta be a law. Or at least some kind of public-private partnership model incorporating Hallmark, that will guarantee your wedding in 7 days or less. We've got a solidly "pro-family" Republican Congress that wants little more than more marriage (I'll leave their gay marriage sanctimony for another day), and somewhere sits a pro-wedding legislator inclined to sponsor such an emergency-marriage bill: on your 30th birthday you can opt to be tossed into the pragmatic pool of the unacceptable. Jump in, the water's just right to "settle."
You agree to meet some number of prescreened candidates, and pledge to make a commitment. Imagine arriving at your first high-stakes speed-dating session: Right this way to a cornucopia of 30-year old Democrats...Down the hall is a room packed with weekly churchgoers...Take a left at the top of the stairs for those hoping to have children very soon...I'm sorry, entry to that room over there requires an Ivy League diploma.
Maybe you're 36 like me. What would our worst case scenario be today? By now that starter marriage from age 30 could be wrapping up, leaving us no worse off than we are. Or maybe that wedding was the push we needed to get ourselves together. Life is shorter than you think, and perhaps there is value and wisdom to be found in the underappreciated concept and maxim of good enough. What if holding out for butterflies is actually the single best way to make the single biggest mistake that keeps us single?
Some folks want you to ponder the reasons that you are not married, and quite possibly why you don't even want to be. But what do they know? We all know a few angrily-single people who are supposed to be married by now, dammit! (And, yeah, label me sexist, but they're women.) Meanwhile, this revolutionary spouse-making proposal will work.
I always assumed 1990s alternative rock to be a solid guide to life. And the Gin Blossoms may have offered a simple key to long-term wedded bliss in their anthem, Hey Jealousy:
If you don't expect too much from me you might not be let down.
So understand the difference between fantasy and reality. I'm no hypocrite, I'll play canary in this coal mine. And hey, I am debt-free, with a graduate degree and gainful employment. No kids, never been married. I should be yuppie gold! If nothing else, I am good enough, and I will make a great ex-husband/weekend dad. So how about it: [drops to one knee] Will you marry me?