I just want to sum up the last year, because I gotta tell ya, I'm really at the end of my rope with the people who are deliberately prolonging this fucking pandemic.
President Biden: Please get vaccinated and boosted. Please wear a mask indoors. Here are all the free and easy ways you can protect yourself, your loved ones, and get us to the end of all this as quickly as possible.
Right wing dickheads: bUT AlEx JonEs SaYS...
President Biden: I'm begging you. I'm asking Congress for money and support of common-sense regulations to get us through this and save lives.
Republicans in Congress: LOL no. Also, why aren't you doing more to solve Covid?
President Biden: You can't ... solve ... I mean ... okay. Listen. Please. I have the best epidemiologists in the world right here, and they all say that taking the free, easy, safe vaccine I've been begging you to take, is really the best and fastest way to, uh, "solve" Covid.
Republicans: *incomprehensible noises*
President Biden: Come on, man. I'm doing everything I can to be a good leader and get us through this. Republicans are literally killing themselves to obstruct me. So I have no choice but to use my executive authority to go around the minority party and do what most Americans asking me to do. We all want to be safe at work, and we all want to get to the end Covid.
Right wing dickheads: YOUR COMING FOR MY FREEDUMB!
President Biden: Look, you can't have it both ways. You can't complain that I'm not doing enough to bring this to an end, while you refuse to do anything that will help bring this to an end. We only get out of this when you take some of that personal responsibility you're always talking about, and gave a shit about your fellow humans. I'm going to mandate that you get vaccinated, or at least test negative, before you go to work at large companies where you can potentially infect other people, or get sick yourselves.
Republicans: BiDen Is sO DiViSIvE.
SCOTUS: Oh hey. Sorry not sorry to interrupt. We're the six unelected right wing judges who make up the majority on the court. Half of us were seated by a president who lost the popular vote twice. One of us really likes lying, beer, and misogyny! One of us is so unqualified and incompetent, she didn't even bring notes to her Potemkin Confirmation a week before an election where voting was already happening! One of us was only seated because the size of the court was changed for a year to make it possible. But we TOTALLY respect the law and the Constitution! WE ARE TOTALLY IMPARTIAL AND REALLY RESPECT LEGAL PRECEDENT. We're, like, TOTALLY not political operatives vetted by the Federalist Society who want to entrench white, evangelical, minority rule. We interpret law fairly and with respect for precedent, like this case before us where previous courts have clearly ruled that presidents can use executive authority in extraordinary times to ensure public health and safety.
Oh, also, we're substituting our ideology for scientific expert opinion, and we're going to reject precedent to block you from taking steps in these extraordinary times, when we're closing in on a million deaths, to save lives. We know it seems SUPER political to you idiots who who are paying attention, but we are TOTALLY non-political, and aren't using our authority to undermine and fuck the Biden presidency. Really. We, uh, swear.
President Biden: Great. So I guess it's back to begging people to just care about other people, then.
Please, I'm begging you. Get vaccinated so we can all have our lives back. I've used every tool at my disposal, while every Republican in Congress, every Republican governor, every Republican legislature, and now the Republican SCOTUS majority has done everything they can to stop me from helping you. I've done everything I can to make vaccines free and safe and easy. I've tried carrots, I've tried sticks. I just don't know what else to do. I'm going to keep fighting, but it's kind of up to you, America. Do you want this to be over, or not?
Republicans: WHy IsNT BiDEn DoInG MoRE tO EnD CoViD?
Fox News: WHy IsNT BiDEn DoInG MoRE tO EnD CoViD?
Right wing dickheads: LeTs gO BrANdOn! Er, we mean WHy IsNT BiDEn DoInG MoRE tO EnD CoViD?
All Major Media That Absolutely Knows Better: Some people are asking why President Biden isn't doing more to end Covid. Why isn't he reaching out to Republicans to find a solution? Our panel of dishonest right wing dickheads is here to lie about it, right after this commercial.
