It's been too damn long since we've had a troll diary. I mean, it's been at least a few hours.
I'm not sure I can handle this. I'm not sure I can handle being left in the lurch, hanging in triple-digit minutes between being told how evil I am for doing or thinking something that some fellow is dead-set certain everybody but him thinks.
So as purely a coping mechanism for all of us in a similar position -- unsure of our own identities, since there is noone around at the moment to helpfully tell us what they are -- I have created a Very Important Diary of my own. I'm doing this solely for our own good, as a public service to, well, actually... you folks. Mind you, I don't have a problem -- I am Concernie P. McLeftRight, an archduke from the Kingdom of Internet Wisdom, and I know all.
Dear you.
You suck.
I don't mean you "suck" in the normal way that all things mostly suck, whether we're talking about diet colas or capillary action or Christina Aguilera.
No, I mean you suck in a powerful, cosmic way, like lukewarm ebola-laced Mueslix, or people who learned to speak Elvish and are too stupid to know that they should never, ever helpfully provide that information to anyone. For the love of crap, it does not make you look cool.
You suck in the same way that airline food sucks, back in the days when they actually served airline food and didn't try to pawn off a tablespoon of dried-up trail mix as a prize you're damn lucky to have, and maybe should hoard away in your pocket in case the plane makes an unscheduled landing in the Andes. You suck worse than people who actually still bitch about airline food even years after anyone knows what the hell this concept called "airline food" actually is, or who get obscure ancient references to the Andes. You suck worse than people who think the Rapture is coming and, in spite of the fact that they're some of the sorriest sons of bitches that ever stained the armpits of an off-yellow Jesus is Coming specially priced t-shirt, think that they've got a golden ticket to ride God's personal flying tour bus as long as they've got enough guns and wooden crosses to kill everyone else trying to sneak in and snag that all-important window seat.
You are the suckiest. You are the big suckowski. You are the center tentpole in the Cirque du Suckay. If Dorothy clicked her heels together three times and asked to go to suckland, you'd instantly have a new girlfriend with a yappy freakin rat-shaped dog.
There is you, and you suck, and A River Flows Through It: a river of pure sucking. On the high, dry plain of suckiness, there is a single tall mesa, and that mesa is you, sucking. You are Saturn, and suckiness is the rings, and moons, and the entire atmosphere, and Nasa just launched a Suck probe with a big ten million dollar suckoscope pointed in your direction to provide a spectral analysis of all the levels and wavelengths at which you suck. Your radiant suckiness threatens to overpower us all, unless we shield ourselves with something that unequivocally does not suck, like certain Bob Dylan tracks.
My only regret is that I am writing this in English, where there is insufficient clarity as to the scope and collective magnitude of your suckiness. Ah, for French, where it would be clearer at the drop of a beret whether tu suck or whether vous suck. In English, it has to be inferred, and in that void of linguistic meaning I am afraid of accidentally leaving some of your suckiness out. Except for French sucks, for a lot of different reasons but mainly because I tried to learn it in high school, only to learn at the end that I had been taught Canadian French, which is pretty much like trying to learn how to play the oboe and finding out there's been a dead guy's thumb crammed inside it the whole damn time.
Furthermore, your diaries suck. Please stop posting your diaries.
Stop posting your diaries not just because they suck, but because they are wasting space that could be used for better diaries, like an artful ascii representation of what my dog would look like if it were wearing a hat and humming Ave Maria. It will be part four in a six-part series called Animals That Hum: Our Awakening Brethren.
I could tell you the reasons why you suck, but that would only take precious time away from me explaining that you do suck. So you'll just have to accept that I know more about it than you, and get off my case, you losers. Suffice it to say that someday, the suck police are going to come for you, and you're going to be all, "I would have gotten away with sucking, if it wasn't for that meddling kid!". And I'll laugh sooooo long, and kick you in the neck when the cop isn't looking, and then we'll all drive off in my custom van to find the next small badly animated town being threatened by a mysterious suckiness.
But fine, here's some things you could do to reduce your sucking. Because while I think you suck, and will always suck, and are pretty much the alpha and the omega of sucking, I still want to offer you some helpful advice.
First, you need to learn to support our President more. And by "more", I mean he can do no wrong, unless he nominates some bozo that didn't buy a RaptureCo. Jesus is Coming t-shirt. You underestimate Bush at your peril: it takes a brilliant man to feign utter and complete globe-spanning stupidity.
How many of our previous presidents have been able to look at a camera and emote, using only their eyes and rubber jaw, such an utter lack of comprehension? Reagan? Nixon? Ford? Couldn't hold a candle to that look. Sure, maybe on a topic or two, like why trees cause smog or what the fastest way down a flight of stairs might be. But that isn't anything to the sheer force of will required to maintain that look at every single opportunity for six solid years. Pure amateur stuff to a man who, attacked by a pretzel, now dedicates his life to a decades-long struggle to warm the very earth itself until none of the primary ingredients in that pretzel can even continue to be harvested, and the plastic bag it comes in will be so expensive that only the five richest men in America will be able to afford one.
Now that's cunning. Like a fox, that one. Or like a paramecium, maybe, one that's just sitting there, not doin' nothing, just fidgeting with all its bazillion paramecium legs and looking with big deer eyes into the microscope or TV camera and then WHAM! TAKE THAT, PUNK!, he pulls out a gun and shoots you in the NECK, you slow-witted BASTARD! And then you get suck all over the rug.
At the same time, and shut up if you can't figure out why this doesn't match exactly with my previous statement about supporting the President, you are not sufficiently leftist. I know this because I am also a leftist. I have a website that says so, which proves it. You mere liberals and progressives are loathsome flecks of faux-liberal snot on the sneezeguard of the salad bar of true political purity. I, on the other hand, am the salad tongs. I decide which lettuce lives and which dies, and which gets accidentally dropped into the blue cheese dressing.
My website is devoted primarily to exploring the various ways in which you suck in more detail, updated on a daily basis, and the mere fact that you do not visit it more often to learn how much you always suck is a perfect, ruby-studded example of your further suckiness. As a fully trained and vested suckographer, I have a suckometer poll on my site that will measure your suckitude based on how much you refuse to recognize my genius, and will assign you a number on the Suckter scale meant to represent your sucktasticness. Someday science will be able to predict when you will say something that will especially suck, and they will prove that it happens at the exact moment that you disagree with me.
But I think the primary reason why you suck is this: you are a racist.
I know you say you're not a racist, but I can tell, because there is simply no possible way to disagree with me unless you're a racist bastard. In fact, if you don't support collective punishment of all Arabs everywhere, I'll just say it -- you're an anti-Semite, and probably a terrorist. And if you don't support those Arabs, well, it seems pretty clear to me that you're a Zionist apologizer. So you'd better pick one or the other, because I've got five more posts to do today on my blog about how much you suck, and I need to know which of the two possible ways to be racist you really are. Because you're one or the other.
In fact, you're probably one of those bastards who sees two sides to everything. My god, in your rush to have an opinion different from mine, you're racist against everyone. You suck that much. You probably are all getting ready to write a post explaining the difference between "Arab" and "Muslim" and "Palestinian", and pointing out how many of those Lebanese folks are Christians, and all that other nonsense information that might be good college trivia, but hardly can be expected to change my opinion here, Poindextron.
Now, I know my very careful examples of How You Suck, which I will be crossposting to my website just as soon as I can figure out how to turn comments off, may enrage some of you who suck. This is yet another example of the suckorama that is you -- the fact that, just like clockwork, you're going to get pissed at me when I'm just trying to do you a service here. I'm very worried about the fate of the Democratic Party, because it's populated by sucky sucks like you. Mind you, I wouldn't be caught dead being a Democrat -- Democrats suck -- but I think if you listen to me, it is your best chance to win the elections next November.
But you'll still suck.
So there you go. There's a troll diary to tide you over until the next one pops helpfully up, which I am sure will be within mere hours. I know it was tough there, for a while, not having a troll diary to tell us all the ways we suck. So maybe we should print this out and keep it in a drawer somewhere, and we all can label the drawer:
Why We Suck: Lest We Forget
So that later on, after Israel and Hezbollah have both killed the particular number of people that the President and Fox News and all the pundits say is an acceptable number, and the summer doldrums are ending with just a few more graves in just a few more small, dry towns, we will still know that for many people, the real question for history, in these weeks, was an internet, television, and newspaper-based fight between right, center and left to determine who was the most pure, and who sucked, and maybe whether or not we should prove who sucks and who doesn't by widening the war and killing more people.
After all, they probably sucked too.