I’m as queer as a three-dollar bill. I’ve had my feathers in a twist for a year over comments made by friends of mine in the local LGBT community. But lately, here at DailyKos in connection with the whole Obama/McClurkin flap, I’m beginning to see the very same type of comments made by people who should know better.
A few people, even within the gay community, seem to be harboring the misguided notion that straight-acting gay men are somehow superior and more socially acceptable than effeminate gay men. Butch gay men’s lives would just be perfect if all of us nelly queens stopped embarrassing them and just disappeared. I can’t pass for straight even if I wanted to, but the larger question is, "Why should I?" I’ve only heard such sentiments from a small percentage of folks, both here and the local LGBT community, but I find it such a disturbing trend that seems to be on the rise I think we need to lay it on the table, hash it out and nip it in the bud.
More after the fold, I'm just getting warmed up.
I am sure most of you don’t agree with the premise that effeminate gay men are inferior to anyone, one of the many reasons I love DailyKos. As a whole this community is progressive, intelligent and wise so you shouldn’t read my plea as a personal accusation but as an alert. It’s going to be a little difficult to discuss the topic because it will unavoidably involve the use of stereotypes which is always risky business. I will try very hard not to step on the toes of others but inevitably I will.
Some concrete examples: Last year I used to go a gay potluck dinner every Friday hosted by a male couple. Over the course of weeks it became apparent that one regular attendee, "Jeremy," was being shunned. I had many conversations with him about politics, books, vitamins and the state of the world. In my opinion he was one of the more interesting and well-versed individuals present. I speculated that the snub had to do with repaying a loan, a drug deal gone bad or sleeping with somebody’s boyfriend, my point being there could be valid reasons to snub bad behavior, so I hesitated to ask him directly. Eventually on one Friday, "Jeremy" wasn’t there so I asked around and I was appalled to learn the group consensus was "Jeremy" was too swishy and effeminate and they merely tolerated him because his partner was extremely masculine and well-liked. I regret reporting such shallowness exists within the gay community, but it does. I told the most vehement "Jeremy"-objector he was repressed and after a few drinks he wasn’t nearly as butch as he supposed he was. You don’t have to be Sigmund Freud to realize people often lash out at the very things they fear about themselves. Oops! Guess who’s not invited to dinner anymore? Me.
On one of the many Obama/McClurkin threads, one gay commenter who shall remain nameless wrote that he felt the thread had been taken over by "screaming queens" and he didn’t care if that was offensive. He implied they did not represent the larger gay community and shouldn’t.
Many diarists here freely admit they are gay men but often with a quick disclaimer that they are not stereotypical, they are jocks, almost proudly boasting they can pass for straight. Again the unwritten implication is a straight-acting gay man is somehow better. I don’t know any of them personally so I can’t attest to the validity of their masculine attributes.
While it would wrong to presume that every gay man fits the stereotype, I see no good reason to disparage or deny the stereotype. I fit the stereotype in more ways than not. If you are a gay man and want to cultivate a more masculine aura as a strategy for getting laid, I have no problem with that. I went to the gym for a zillion years myself. I get it. But if you are intentionally concealing portions of your personality, because you think this makes you somehow more palatable to yourself and to society, I scorn your efforts. The worst part of it is the gay community now seems willing to embrace this concept as well and I don’t see this as moving in a good direction. If I see one more gay personal ad claiming straight-acting, I’ll throw up.
Granted, some nelly mannerisms can be intentionally exaggerated. Using the word "girlfriend" is a conscious decision. But if you think it’s all "put on," think again. Let’s take a ride in the way back machine. I came out in 1969, at the age of 19 which makes me, um, older than dirt, but oh, to be 19 in 1969! It was a banner year. I’m sorry if you missed it. There have been instances in my life where I tried to pass for straight, like for job interviews, a seemingly endless succession of interviews, after I graduated from college in 1972, but they knew I was gay despite all efforts. Back then, at least in my field, if they knew you were gay, you were not hired.
Fast forward a year to The Hippo in Baltimore in 1973. Hundreds of gay men crowded the dance floor. We were exhilarated by our self-guided liberation. We were all nelly queens. (Okay, to be fair I can think of four out of the hundreds who were not.) We were the front line. We marched, we protested, we organized, we ran switchboards and newspapers. We spared no effort to ensure the next generation had an easier go of it. Where were the big butch bears? I don’t know but they were nowhere to be seen and definitely not helping. Many of those who could pass for straight still did so, got married and skulked around in the bushes at night, had careers while toe-tapping in restrooms, but I assure you they were never seen at any public protest or event where they might end up on the evening news as I often did. They should kiss a nelly queen’s toes, because we fought like hell to make it easier for the cowards to come out who now have the audacity to declare their superiority.
I’m sick of it! Don’t buy into it. This is just what Republicans, Christ-o-nuts and homophobes want. They want us to be invisible in a nationwide don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t want to think about it, don’t want to address it, and certainly don’t want to see it. But if we behave and act just like them, they’ll throw us a few crumbs. Being invisible was the strategy I used in high school. It sucked.
We all recently witnessed how readily the transgender community was thrown under the bus. Actually they weren’t the first, the NAMBLA bunch was thrown under a long time ago but that’s another diary. So now it seems the effeminate gay men will be the next group to be written off. Don’t you see the plan? Chip away at the queer community one group at a time. Divide and conquer. Who wants to be next?