Yes, it's true! This past weekend was a bonanza for Presidential candidates, as they all picked up BIG ENDORSEMENTS IN IOWA!
As the race in Iowa comes down to the wire, with the top tier candidates entangled in a messy three-way (get yer minds outta the gutter! Bill Clinton is not one of the candidates this year, and I'm not talkin' 'bout Ghouliani - we're talking Dem candidates here!), Big Endorsements are starting to fly fast and furiously.
So, which of our outstanding Dem candidates garnered BIG ENDORSEMENTS over the weekend, and who endorsed them? Follow me across the chasm!
John Edwards:
The Edwards campaign has proudly announced an endorsement this weekend by the Union of Lemonade Stand Workers United - Iowa Local 50:
"We're extremely excited about our members' decision to endorse John Edwards", said ULSWU-I50 spokesperson Cherry Aide. "The truth of the matter is, our membership was leaning towards Hillary Clinton, but soured on her after one of her junior staffers began a whispering campaign, claiming that Billy's Lemonade Stand in Waterloo was selling Country Time Lemonade mix, but marketing it as fresh squeezed! I mean, criminy - we're just kids, fer cryin' out loud! We're not really old enough to be interested in politics yet, but one thing we don't do is powdered lemonade mix! Ucckky!
But, there's more! Edwards staffers were equally delighted to report that the Hairdresser's Shop Distributive and Allied employees' Association - Dubuque Branch issued their endorsement on Sunday, during their monthly membership perm-in at Cadillac Cutz (1573 Elm St., Dubuque). Dubuque Branch spokesperson Jhaymes, in issuing the press release indicated the memberships' enthusiastic support:
"Ohm'god, ohm'god, ohm'god! We're so excited to be endorsing John! He told me to call him John! He was sooooo sweet (and sexy!) when he came to my shop during his last campaign stop in Dubuque! And the way he accessorizes - those ties? FAB-ulous! Simply Ab-Fab! Oh, and regardless of what anyone says, including that bitch Vanessa at the Chic Boutique down in Iowa City - she's just jealous if you ask me - I did not charge Johnny $400 to repair that horrible style that he received from that so-called "celebrity stylist" - he's a mere "barber" if you ask me!
Barack Obama:
The Obama campaign countered the Edwards' endorsements this weekend by announcing that the junior senator from Illinois may not have received the coveted hairdresser's union endorsement, but had, in fact, received quite a few individual endorsements from hairdressers who chose to break with their union. From the Obama for President website:
The Obama Campaign is pleased to announce that the staff of the Pocahontas, IA branch of Adam & Eve Hair Styling & Esthetics Salon had discussed their personal endorsement over their recent cigarette breaks, and were in total agreement: " Have you seen that man's nails? And don’t even talk about his cuticles!" raved Adam & Eve spokesperson Manny Cure, speaking about his shop's endorsement of Obama. "Absolutely faaabuloussss! He must have them attended to on a weekly basis! Obama may not have visited our shop, and he may not have invited me to call him "Barack", but there's far more to considering a presidential candidate than his hairstyle and those hair hacks up in Dubuque know it!"
Hillary Clinton
Like John Edwards, Hillary Clinton received not one, but two BIG ENDORSEMENTS in Iowa this weekend, although there is extensive speculation that one of them, Clinton's endorsement by Iowa Men for Gay Anti-defamation in Yetter, IA (IMGAY) may have been issued in direct retaliation at the announcement of Senator Obama's Adam & Eve endorsement.
IMGAY spokes(wo)man Shilleta Buffet indignantly denounced what (s)he saw as the overt religious overtones of the Senator's Adam and Eve endorsement:
"Will these religionists stop at nothing with their anti-gay innuendo?" demanded Buffet. "Adam & Eve?!? Get real! Everyone knows that’s subtext for their favorite hate-chant ‘God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.’ By accepting this endorsement and posting it on his campaign website, Senator Obama is once again alienating the pro-gay vote. Consequently, IMGAY is proud to announce our enthusiastic endorsement of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, who has repeatedly proven that she is on the 'right' side of the Gay Agenda, and we ain't talkin'Mark Foley, honey!"
The news only got better for the Clinton Campaign, however, when it scored what may be the biggest endorsement of the weekend: The Yetter High School newspaper, the Yetter Yodeler rushed out a special one-page edition late on Sunday afternoon, after tracking down the Yetter High School principal, who’d been out hunting that morning. Yetter Yodeler editor Sheebie Pimply noted that the Yodeler editorial staff couldn’t print their special edition and announce their endorsement of Senator Clinton until the principal could come to campus and unlock the storage cabinet where
ditto machine supplies are kept.
Said Editor Pimply:
"We had hoped to issue our endorsement at the same time IMGAY issued theirs, as the Yetter Yodeler endorsement is, in part, an expression of unity with IMGAY. Not that anyone on the Yodeler staff is gay of course, but we’re all members of the Yetter High School Gay-Straight Alliance! But more importantly than that, all the boys were out hunting this morning when we called our emergency meeting to decide whom to endorse for President and they’re all homophobes anyway, so the girls decided that since they blew us off for some dumb hunting trip, we were going to get back at them double, by endorsing Hillary, because they’re all chauvinists too! What could be better? Affirming ourselves as pro-gay and pro-woman! We sure showed those boys!"
Recognizing that the Yetter Yodeler has a 90-year track record of endorsing the candidate which has ultimately gone on to be elected President, a spokesperson for the Obama Campaigns sought to mitigate the fall out of the Yodeler’s Clinton endorsement by issuing a statement buried deep on its website:
"Once again, the Clinton campaign is showing its desperation, and is creating something out of nothing, just as they did earlier this month, when it attempted to imply that Senator Obama was a user. We’ve proved over and over that the Senator does not use Rembrandt Smoker’s Tooth Paste, and that the Senator has, in fact, quit the nasty habit. Regardless of it’s 90-year track record of endorsing the eventual President, what people are choosing to ignore is the fact that Yetter, IA is so small that it doesn’t even have a high school, much less a student newspaper. Confuse, obfuscate and deny. That’s our way. Er... that’s the Clinton way."