The 2009 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Winners have been announced and not a moment too soon, IMO.
This award is bestowed on those writers who compete to compose the worst opening first line of an imaginary novel.
This hilarious and coveted award is named in honor of Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, the writer who began his novel, "Paul Clifford" with the now famous words: "It was a dark and stormy night..."
The complete sentence that Bulwer-Lytton wrote is an absolute gem of awfulness and deserves to be presented in all its glory. Sit back and enjoy:
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”
Bulwer-Lytton Awards are sponsored by the English Department of San Jose University and rather than be content with one or two awards, there are numerous categories of truly horrendous and hilarious categories complete with Runners-up known as "Dishonorable Mentions".
So if you need a break from the endless Michael Jackson coverage or if understanding Sarah Palin's prose has your head hurting, then sit back, relax and have some fun reading this years winners.
This year's overall winner:
"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."
David McKenzie
Federal Way, WA
Here's the winner for this year's Purple Prose category:
“The gutters of Manhattan teemed with the brackish slurry indicative of a significant though not incapacitating snowstorm three days prior, making it seem that God had tripped over Hoboken and spilled his smog-flavored slurpie all over the damn place.”
Eric Stoveken
Allentown, PA
There's so much more. Have fun!