This diary is months old. I don't know why I took it down. Maybe because five minutes after I posted it, my house was struck by lightning.
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Look, if God had meant people to abstain, he'd have made them all Republicans.
Of course they wouldn't abstain anyway, and God would be embarrassed, but God would at least get to say "Look, I tried. I designed people with a 200-horsepower sexual drive and a set of brakes by Schwinn. Sue me."
So it is annoying--worse than annoying--to see yet another Republican (Congressman Mark Souder of Indiana) attempting to interfere with God's plan, and preaching abstinence.
To Souder's credit, he doesn't actually practice abstinence. But then hardly anyone under the age of 104 does, and even then there are brittle and enfeebled but still-determined efforts to obey the plain and simple commands of God, and hump.
Abstinence is a terrible business. It is a basic defiance of God's will and the divine laws of nature. It is, to use the correct statistical term, deviant behavior. This is fortunate. Were abstinence the norm (also the correct statistical term), as with the New England religious group called the Shakers, there would be no human race at all. There would only be uncomfortable furniture.
Now despite the obvious fact that these deviants threaten the very fabric of human existence by their unnatural behavior, they seem to think that they should get special treatment.
They are always asking for, and getting special funding from our government to advance their deviant agenda.
They preach their deviant agenda to kids whenever they can, because the abstinent cannot reproduce, and require a constant new supply of more deviants.
Worst of all, they think they should be able to marry. Why any religion would set the holy imprimatur of marriage upon pair of deviants who defy God's law is beyond comprehension.
Abstinents claim that upon marriage, they will stop being abstinent and will suddenly reform. All I have to say is this: Abstinents say a lot of things.
These sexual deviants should be banned from the workplace and from schools. Hell, they should be banned from everywhere. Do you want an abstinent in your locker room, giving your body haughty and disapproving looks, and making sneering remarks about your weekend plans?
It may be possible, of course, to reform an abstinent. I myself remain skeptical. Would you marry a reformed abstinent? There is always the chance of relapse, even after many years. And there is the matter of the children. If there are any.
Still, their influence has never been greater. Abstinents are everywhere in government, especially. And the hardest thing is, it's impossible to tell a real one. Like Rep. Mark Souder, a man may be in his sixties, carry a Bible, talk the talk, and resemble a turtle without the shell, and that very same man may be fucking his brains out. A woman may be appear to be normal, but in fact may be abstinent and not amenable to reform, ever, not even if she is marooned naked with George Clooney.
In short, unless we organize, we are helpless to stop the tide of sexual deviance that threatens the sacred institution of the family. Every journey begins with a first step. You may take this first step by sending fifty dollars by PayPal to me, ARCHER.
Because a storm is coming, and I am afraid, and I really, really don't like that bony annoying furniture.