In a stunning move designed to distract from his various verbal blunders, Mitt Romney has bought the 2012 Summer Olympics from London, and plans to outsource all the Olympic events.
Romney's keen business sense and diplomatic skills were on full display almost as soon as he landed in England:
Mr Romney told NBC News he saw “a few things that were disconcerting” about London’s preparations. “The stories about the private security firm not having enough people, supposed strike of immigration and customs officials, that obviously is not something which is encouraging,” he said.
His remark prompted a sharp rejoinder from David Cameron.
“We are holding an Olympic Games in one of the busiest, most active, bustling cities anywhere in the world,” said the Prime Minister. “Of course it’s easier if you hold an Olympic Games in the middle of nowhere.”
With that, Romney knew what he had to do. Borrowing the money from his old company Bain Capital, Romney bought out the Olympics, lock stock, and barrel. First thing on the agenda:
"We're in a recession, and all these athletes expect to be paid in gold. Goodness gracious, give me a break. With regret of course, I had no choice but to fire all the athletes at the games. Next we're going to move the games someplace where the people truly appreciate the work we're doing. Winners will get a Certificate of Achievement, along with a coupon for 10% off at WalMart." stated Romney in a prepared speech.
One potential area of controversy is what Romney plans to do with all the medals.
"They are all going to our horse, the best, cleanest looking horse at the games. And she earns her keep, making sure we get a nice tax break, too. Such nice teeth she's got. She can down a red delicious apple in no time" continued Romney.
The mood inside the Olympic village was predictably less upbeat, ranging from somber and reflective to total outrage.
We train for years getting to this point that we are the best at what we do, and this tool from the states wipes out our careers on a whim. Why didn't he just leave us all alone? said one swimmer, on condition of anonymity.
Still, Romney is upbeat about his new purchase. For one thing it will be gone in a few weeks, so he doesn't have to shut it down after it stops making big bonuses for him. For another, when asked how it would affect the presidential election Romney said
"I think this will be a real game changer."