From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
It's almost over. It's Fourth and goal with seconds on the clock. 2014 is about to become an ex-year.
I don’t need to remind you of all the crap this world went through over the last twelve months. Mainly because it's the Republicans' job to scare everyone half to death, not mine.
December: an all-cat band wins a
Grammy nomination for the first time.
But the year had plenty of bright spots: rising Senate star Elizabeth Warren's truth-to-Wall-Street moments, a perked-up economy, amazing feats in space, a thaw in U.S.-Cuba relations, a lot more Americans (millions more!) with health insurance, a green energy juggernaut, a whopper of an executive order on immigration, recreational pot in Colorado and Washington, gay marriage in 35 states (with Florida poised to become #36 in six days), filming of a new
Star Wars flick, and another year of blogging excellence by alla yous here at the Great Orange Satan.
Below the fold is the thrilling conclusion---September through five seconds ago---of this crazy year, including the best of late-night snark and some of White House photographer Pete Souza's coolest pics. As we await the descent of the giant ball in Times Square (or the dropping of the giant sardine up in Eastport or the giant drag queen stiletto heel down in Key West---take your pick), all the writers, editors, gaffers, key grips, fuzzy critters and catheter sales reps at C&J wish you a festive New Year's Eve and a 2015 loaded with optimism, good health, and two additional toppings of your choice for only $9.99.
Your wormhole to the past opens up one last time below the fold... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [Gong!!]
Note: C&J will be off tomorrow and Friday in observance of a really early Easter. We'll emerge from our Barbie Dream Bunker on Monday morning to thank the Lord for giving us the gift of a year in which we know there won't be a !#%!&! midterm election. Happy New Year!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Great Dane goes nighty-night....
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C&J 2014 Flashback: September
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President Obama takes a tour of Stonehenge with Heather Sebire, property
curator, and Matthew Barzun, U.S. Ambassador to the UK, on Sept. 5
President Obama straps on
Jetpack One and zips off to the Baltics, where he casts a steely-eyed gaze toward Vladimir Putin's back yard and hocks some freedom loogies. Then it's off to England, where FEMA continues to undo the damage caused by Mitt Romney at the 2012 Olympics. Progress is slow but steady.
GOP chair Reince Priebus trots out his 13th attempt to re-brand the Republican party. For reasons nobody at party headquarters can explain, "Okay, So Maybe We'll Rethink the Whole Forced Transvaginal Ultrasound Thing, So Calm Down Ladies, Jeez" fails to catch on.
A jury in Virginia finds former family-values Governor Bob McDonnell and his wife guilty on multiple counts of corruption. McDonnell's political rise was personally approved by squeaky-clean Christian savior Pat Robertson and, by extension, God himself. Not surprisingly, neither has any comment.
By the Numbers
• Number of states (MO, AR, MS, ND, SD, WY) with only one abortion clinic: 6
• Percent of Republican parents in 1960 and today, respectively, who would be upset if their child married a Democrat: 5%, 49%
• Drop in the federal prison population last year, the first decline since 1980: 4,800
• Percent of Daily Kos readers who believe it would be a good idea to disconnect health insurance in this country from places of employment: 93%
• Percent of Daily Kos readers who believe George W. Bush is the worst post-WW II president: 69%
• Estimated average ticket price for Derek Jeter's last home game: $380
• Number of monsters Senator Lindsey Graham claims are hiding under his bed, versus the actual number found by the Orkin Man: 326 / 0
The iPhone 6 makes its debut. Among the new features: a hologram of yourself that stands in line waiting for the iPhone 7. Also making its debut: the new Apple Watch, which has a sleep-aid feature that emits a sound guaranteed to make you drowsy: Mitch McConnell.
President Obama lays out his strategy for containing the terrorist group ISIS, aka ISIL. He promises no boots on the ground, but is strangely silent on rocket shoes.
The promotion of Steven Payne (Steveningen), Frank Vyan Walton (Vyan) and Susan Grigsby (Susan from 29) to the front page increases Daily Kos's coolness quotient by 18.6 percent---a record bounce.
President Obama with students from an elementary school at MacDill Air Force Base in Florida Sept. 17.
The Wasilla Hillbillies, aka the Palin family, pulls up in a Hummer limo and starts a brawl in their hometown with another family at a party. According to the police report, the former Republican vice presidential nominee has crib notes written on her hand: "Punch"…"Kick"…"Go for Throat"…and "Expand Oil Exploration."
Congratulations pour in for Iowans Vivian Boyack, 91, and Alice Dubes, 90, who rush headlong into marriage after a brief courtship that started in 1942. Even the most hard-core anti-gay Bible thumpers are like, "Okay, we'll let this one slide."
The Census Bureau releases its annual poverty report: 14.5 percent are at or below the poverty line, down from 15 percent and the first drop since 2006. Democrats propose shrinking the numbers by increasing the minimum wage, preserving the food stamp program, extending unemployment insurance, and creating robust public works programs. Republicans propose shrinking the numbers eliminating the Census Bureau's annual poverty report.
Late Night Snark
"Former House Majority Leader Eric Cantor has taken a new job at a Wall Street investment bank. Now he can finally have some influence in Congress."
---Stephen Colbert
CNN Anchor: New York's junior senator, Kirsten Gillibrand, says she has been the target of some very inappropriate sexist comments right in the halls of Congress.
Jon Stewart: Ooh...not just sexist comments, but "inappropriate" sexist comments. That's my least-favorite kind of sexist comment.
---The Daily Show
"The National Organization for Women is calling for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to resign. They made their demand in a video that Commissioner Goodell said he'll watch in five months."
---Conan O'Brien
In a big win for UK Prime Minister David Cameron, Scotland goes to the polls and rejects a referendum that would grant it independence from the rest of Great Britain. Analysts credit the results with the anti-independence side's slogan, "A massive blob of sheep stomach filled with animal innards in every pot and a Shetland pony in every garage," besting the pro-independence side's relentless focus on bagpipe control.
Protesters descend on New York City to raise awareness of climate-change. Attendance is pegged at over 300,000 by march organizers, 100,000 by The New York Times, and 16 by Fox News.
India becomes the first country to put a spacecraft into orbit around Mars on its first attempt. In related news, Gladys Higginbotham of Poughkeepsie becomes the first American to resolve a customer service issue with a call center in India on her first attempt.
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October
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President Obama greets ebola-free nurse Nina Pham in the Oval Office on Oct 24.
Former President and current Best Ex-president Ever Jimmy Carter turns 90. For the thousandth time:
he never said "malaise."
The Supreme Court decides not to take any of the gay-marriage cases in front of it, after which five states---Wisconsin, Utah, Oklahoma, Indiana and Virginia---become marriage-equality states, with both Carolinas, West Virginia, Colorado, Wyoming and Kansas soon to follow. The Bible-thumper opposition is so shocked by the collapse of their cause that their only response is to unanimously pass an Eleventh Commandment: "Thou shalt not bake cakes for those people."
By the Numbers
• Number of U.S. jobs added over the last 55 months: 10.3 million
• Drop in gas prices since April, for most people an annual savings of $500: 50 cents
• Minimum number of electric car models now being sold in the U.S.: 16
• Percent of Americans who believe the 2003-2011 Iraq War made us safer: 14%
• Rank of Iceland, Finland and Norway on the list of best nations in terms of gender equality: #1, #2, #3
• America's rank: #20
• Years Paul Shaffer has been David Letterman's bandleader: 27
Three mercenaries from the rent-a-goon company formerly known as Blackwater are found guilty in the massacre of civilians in Baghdad during the Iraq war. The U.S. leaders responsible for lying America into the war in which massacres happened all the time: still walking around free.
In another sign that God wants Obama impeached, a partial solar eclipse darkens the sky. You can tell a solar eclipse from the Republican party because one's a cold, ancient, lifeless mass standing in the way of illumination, warmth and green energy, and the other's a solar eclipse.
Click lower right icon for sound.
Among the candidates in the Toronto Mayor's election is human gaffe-machine Doug Ford, filling in for his cancer-stricken brother Rob. Ford loses. Toronto wins.
In Kentucky, the Louisville Courier-Journal and the Lexington Herald-Leader endorse Democrat Alison Lundergan Grimes for U.S. Senate. In Iowa, the Des Moines Register endorses Democrat Bruce Braley over Joni Ernst for Senate. And in New Hampshire, Republican senate candidate Scott Brown nabs the critical endorsement of Carpetbagger Monthly, which he formally accepts at a ceremony in Massachusetts.
Late Night Snark
"This guy hopped the fence, ran across the White House lawn and almost got inside the White House. And the Republicans said, 'Well, let's nominate this guy.'"
---David Letterman
"According to a new phone poll, 45 percent of Americans are concerned that they'll get ebola. The other 55 percent wouldn’t answer the phone because they thought that might be the way you get ebola."
---Michael Che on SNL
"Ann Romney today said that she is done with the idea of her husband running for president but added, 'You never say never.' And you don’t have to, because voters already did."
---Seth Meyers
"Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton, who gave birth to a baby girl. New grandmother Hillary Clinton said she couldn’t be any happier unless the baby was a Latina in a swing state."
---Colin Jost on SNL
American troops leave Afghanistan's Helmand Province for good, leaving behind a 1,600-acre military base for the Afghan military. Among the items remaining at Camp Leatherneck: light vehicles, the leftover tater-tots in the freezer, and a farewell note: "So long and thanks for all the rubble."
Topping the Republican leadership's list of threats to the health of Americans: ISIS, Ebola and Guantanamo detainees. Topping the actual list of threats to Americans' health: heart disease, traffic accidents and guns. Ironically, the current #1 health threat to the Republican base is having a heart attack after getting in a traffic accident while loading their guns in response to hearing their own ads about the threats of ISIS, ebola and Guantanamo detainees.
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November
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President Obama holds a koala prior to the G20 Welcome
to Country Ceremony in Brisbane, Australia on Nov. 15.
The midterm elections are held. Thanks to the lowest turnout since World War II, voters hand sweeping victories to Republicans with reputations for sending jobs overseas, keeping pistols in their purse to oppose government tyranny, passing whatever bills the Koch brothers send their way, combating non-existent "ancient-Greek male-on-male massages" in the military (yeah, that's Louie Gohmert), ginning up ebola scares, driving state economies into ditches and drug-testing anyone with a pulse. (But Scott Brown loses, so it balances out.) The moment the last polling place closes, Republicans lose all interest in ebola and re-focus their attention on their real #1 fear: Obama winning a third term.
In the wake of the Republicans' win, the beltway media lectures Democrats to compromise with Republicans, as opposed to the wake of Democratic wins, when the media lectures Democrats to compromise with Republicans.
The rebuilt World Trade Center---104 stories tall---opens for business. And this time there's no chance of a successful attack by terrorists wielding box cutters on commercial jets because the whole thing is made out of rubber.
By the Numbers
• Overall turnout in, respectively, the 2010 and 2014 elections: 40%, 37%
• Minimum number of nuclear-arsenal commanders or officers who have been fired in the last year for misconduct or negligence: 16
• Factor by which black teens are more likely to be shot dead by the police than white teens: 21x
• The last time the federal government employed as few people as it does today: 1966
• Percent chance that Apple---run by a gay guy---is now more valuable than the stock market in Russia, which is run by a petty anti-gay despot: 100%
• Number of women in Congress: 100
• Revised third-quarter GDP, up from 3.5%, part of the best six-month string of growth since 2003: 3.9%
Director J.J. Abrams announces that principle photography has wrapped up on the new trilogy featuring Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Princess Leia. He also reveals that the official title is
Star Wars Episode VII: Please Don't Blow Up Our New Death Star---It's A Rental.
Dr. Ben Carson becomes the first Republican performance artist to squeeze into the 2016 clown car. Carson is best known for performing surgery on children's brains, so he enters the ring with one big advantage: he'll have no problem getting along with Congress.
Germany celebrates the 25th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. Refusing to take part in the festivities: a still-bitter Humpty von Dumpty.
Audience members react as President Obama delivers remarks on
immigration at Del Sol High School in Las Vegas on Nov. 21.
The European Space Agency lands their Philae probe on a comet four billion miles from earth. Not to be outdone, NASA says it's planning to send a probe to the coldest, densest, most desolate chunk of rock it can find, and that they'll be ready for landing as soon as they figure out Senator Inhofe's nap schedule.
Motor Trend picks the Volkswagen Golf as its 2015 Car of the Year. It's 200 pounds lighter than previous versions, comes in an electric model and, for the first time ever, the dashboard strudel maker comes standard.
The entire western third of the U.S. is now gay-marriage country as Montana becomes the latest state where same-sex couples can get marriage licenses. In what is becoming a new pattern, the opposition is led by fundamentalist Christian bakers and their literal interpretation of Leviticus where it's written that "Thou shalt not top a cake with a little plastic man man as with a little plastic woman." It doesn't help that the command from God appears to be hastily scrawled in the margins with a sharpee.
Late Night Snark
"Now that the GOP has their largest majority in 85 years, thanks to the lowest voter turnout in 72 years, they have the obligation to enact the agenda of the angriest man in the smallest county in Iowa."
---Stephen Colbert
"We'd also like to welcome back Maine's Governor Paul LePage. LePage got re-elected despite telling the NAACP to kiss his butt and comparing the IRS to the Gestapo. He also defended the use of the controversial chemical BPA in plastic bottles, saying that the worst-case scenario is some women would grow 'little beards.' I don’t think the worst-case scenario is little beards. I think the worst-case scenario is two-term governor Paul LePage."
---Seth Meyers
"Science says George Will is wrong. Thank you, science!"
---Rachel Maddow
In what Rachel Maddow calls "the biggest change to immigration policy in 25 years," President Obama issues his long-awaited executive orders. They include increased border security and allowing millions of parents of children born here to remain in the United States if they meet certain conditions. Once Republicans finish paying undocumented-immigrant lawnkeepers, housekeepers and produce pickers, they have a total meltdown over those scary lawbreaking brown people.
The murderer of teenager Michael Brown, Officer Darren Wilson, turns out to be "just a choirboy with a badge doing his job" while Brown turns out to be a "ten-foot-tall demon with laser eyes." To help weld that meme to your memory, the media vows to reinforce the message 24/7 until further notice.
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December
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President Obama takes over for Stephen Colbert during "The Word" segment
of The Colbert Report during taping at George Washington University on Dec. 8.
In Switzerland, voters give thumbs-down to a measure that would require the country to hoard a fifth of its monetary reserves in gold---1,650 tons worth totaling $60 billion. The moment the results are announced and gold loses, Ron Paul's erection suddenly stops lasting longer than four hours.
In Lima, Peru, the climate summit seeks a new pact that calls for immediate action to politely ask the world's mega-polluter nations if they will kindly consider taking action at some point in the future. Negotiators say the current draft is "being refined." The nations most affected by the burning of fossil fuels say the negotiators' choice of words when describing their current draft is "not helpful."
By the Numbers
• Internet users worldwide in 1994 and 2014, respectively: 25 million, 2.9 billion
• Percent of the world that still doesn't use the internet: 60%
• Expected increase in 2014 holiday seasonal hiring at U.S. shopping centers: 7.4%
• Israeli approval of Benjamin Netanyahu in November: 38%
• Median age in the U.S., whose population now tops 320 million: 37.5
• Number of people around the world who gained access to an improved source of drinking water between 1990 and 2012: 2.3 billion
• Number times the average person checks their smartphone per day: 150
Members of the St. Louis Rams make a gesture of solidarity with the Ferguson protesters by walking on the field with their hands up. Says Bill O'Reilly: "Quite frankly, I don't think they're smart enough to know what they're doing." He's right about one thing: he doesn't think.
Saudi Arabia and its OPEC neighbors begin flooding the market with cheap oil for the foreseeable future. One of the hardest-hit victims is Russia, as the collapse of oil prices and sanctions by the west send Russia to the brink of recession. The situation gets so desperate that Vladimir Putin takes off his shirt again but only so he can sell it on eBay.
Cheers and Jeers turns 11, finally matching its creator's IQ.
The cop who illegally choked Eric Garner to death for selling loose cigarettes gets a "no charges" blessing from a Staten Island grand jury. Moments later, Rep. Peter King (R-NY) says Garner basically killed himself by being fat and having asthma as the officer choked him to death. The American Medical Association issues a two-word rebuttal: "Uh…no."
A prototype of a module that will one day go to Mars, the Orion spacecraft lifts off successfully from Cape Canaveral and later splashes down right on schedule. During the test, Orion achieves a speed of 15,000 miles per hour. To put that in perspective, that's the same speed at which Rand Paul runs away from an approaching DREAMer.
The new James Bond movie is announced, and this time the super spy will battle evil CEOs who rig their contracts that guarantee obscene payouts whether they succeed or fail. Daniel Craig stars again as 007 in Goldparachute.
Late Night Snark
"A political action committee trying to raise money for a 2016 Hillary Clinton campaign is selling 'Ready for Hillary' champagne glasses and Christmas ornaments. Because if one thing improves the holidays, it's drinking mixed with politics."
---Jimmy Fallon
"Obama is not going to get away with this [Cuba deal] just because I'm going off the air! The minute my show ends, I am on a plane to Havana to personally investigate this travesty. I will go to every pristine beach. I will scout every rum distillery. And I don’t care how many 1957 Chevys I have to buy for 200 dollars! Until the job is done I will not rest…except in a hammock."
---Stephen Colbert, whose show ends December 18th.
"The Senate [Intelligence Committee] report shows that the CIA paid two psychologists 80 million dollars to design the torture program. Eighty million dollars? Were they waterboarding with Pellegrino? Also, you don’t have to use torture to get people to admit stuff. Just get 'em really drunk and log them into Facebook."
---Michael Che, SNL
The House Select Committee on Benghazi meets under the watchful fauxhawk of chairman Trey Gowdy. With every accusation having been debunked by previous Republican-led House committee reports, the proceedings are pretty much limited to shouting "Benghazi!" in between crossword puzzles.
The long-awaited Senate Intelligence Committee report on torture report comes out. The response is swift:
Russia: "Hey, welcome to our world!"
North Korea: "Mind if we borrow that rectal technique? That's a new one on us. Love it!"
Egypt: "That meat hook maneuver is an instant classic!"
Iran: "Perhaps we and you share more common ground than we thought."
Syria: "The feel-good report of the year!"
China: "We're shocked! [Wink! Wink!] Shocked!"
The Tea Party: "Torture is awesome and so is America!"
In a bit of unfortunate timing, the report is released on the same day that the CIA is inducted into the Sleep Deprivation Hall of Fame.
With third-quarter GDP at five percent, 321,000 new jobs in a month, a historic resumption of ties between Cuba and the United States, record Obamacare enrollments, dozens of judicial confirmations, a new Surgeon General, a shrinking deficit, the Dow flirting with 18,000, calling on women only during his last 2014 press conference, pissing off Michele Bachmann at the White House Christmas party by being nice to her, guest-hosting on The Colbert Report, announcing new protections for Bristol Bay, officially ending the war in Afghanistan, and watching John Boehner commit an unforced error by having to deal with his newly-sprung-up white supremacist and convicted felon caucuses…Barack Obama owns the month. Sorry, Santa.
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The winners in our Friday "Who won the week?" poll:
September 5 The countless fast food workers around the country, and their allies in the home-care industry, who went on strike for a higher minimum wage
September 12 Senate Democrats, united in voting YES on a constitutional amendment to overturn the Supreme Court's Citizens United decision. (the GOP billionaire proxies all voted against it)
September 19 Strike Debt, an offshoot of Occupy Wall Street, for purchasing $4m in student loan debt for $100,000 on the 3rd anniversary of the movement's start in Zuccotti Park
September 26 The Colorado high school students who walked out of class to protest a proposed right-wing history curriculum full of awfulness endorsed by the Koch brothers
October 3 The peaceful protesters in Hong Kong, with special shoutout to 17-year-old student activist leader Joshua Wong
October 10 Wisconsin and Texas voters, as Courts block implementation of Republican voter suppression laws
October 17 Charlie Crist, who proves a master of verbal jiu jitsu as he turned Florida Governor Rick Scott's "fantrum" into the most memorable moment of the midterm election cycle
October 24 Elizabeth Warren, the best and most successful campaign surrogate of the 2014 midterm elections because she actually walks and talks like a proud liberal
October 31 Kaci Hickox, the Maine nurse who stood up to the knee-jerk bully tactics of NJ Gov. Christie and ME Gov. LePage--and won--after returning from treating ebola patients in Africa
November 7 Richmond, California, where Chevron failed to buy their own mayor and city council members in order to wriggle out of accountability for its refinery explosions.
November 14 President Obama: nominates Loretta Lynch as AG; calls on FCC to classify internet as a vital service; successful Asia trip including climate-change agreement with China; $5 billion windfall from program that funded Solyndra
November 21 President Obama, for going big on immigration executive orders, and the undocumented immigrant families who will benefit from them
November 28 None/Thanksgiving
December 5 The peaceful 'Hands Up, Don't Shoot' and 'I Can't Breathe' protesters nationwide, including the five St. Louis Rams who entered the stadium with their hands up, and the Ferguson-to-Jefferson City marchers
December 12 Sens. Rockefeller and Feinstein, who pushed for the Intel Committee report on torture…all the staffers who waded through the millions of pages of documents to assemble it…and Marcy Wheeler (emptywheel) for exceptional reporting on torture over the years
December 19 President Obama: Cuba breakthrough, highest number of judicial confirmations since 1994, protects Bristol Bay from Republicans, takes Qs from women only in final press conference of the year
Thanks for the ride. See ya next year!
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