My wife ellie who was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in December has her good days and bad.We have been married for 25 years .We have been around the world together not literally but ya know.We have done so much and been inseparable the whole time and this cancer came out of the blue that I find myself daily having to remind myself that this won't end well. She has jaundice now ,just got back from UNC oncology, where they put a stint in a bile duct to open it up .I find my self thinking maybe this or that thing will be the thing that makes her feel better and that's when it hits me ,like a brick in the face, that she wont recover from this .Yes maybe the stint thing will help short term but eventually the cancer will win .I just cant explain the feeling when I again realize that these individual symptoms, that the doctors are treating, really aren't the problem . They are manifestations of the problem and that's when it feels like for a split second like my very soul freezes solid.....I then think to myself take a breath, relax ,it wont end today. No sooner do I start breathing do I than think but it will happen and I wonder how will I feel that day ,and the next after that..But than I look at her and she smiles and asks a question about the kids or work and It all goes back to normal again till the next moment of weakness........