We’ve now reached the stage here where there are competing diaries on the Rec List featuring Bernie Sanders walking down the street and Hillary Clinton hugging a child. Both diaries are receiving gushing praise from the candidates’ admirers because apparently people were unaware that the bi-legged Sanders walked down streets or that Clinton, a mother and grandmother, was capable of hugging a child.
Fine. You Sandernistas and Clintonauts want go full-on Photo Wars? Linc Chafee and Jim Webb might have a few things to say about that.
Look at the way he’s defying the water to knock him off balance. You think Bernie or Hillary could do this? Linc is all but saying, “Screw you, water. I’m scandal-free. You’ll never knock me down. I am a block of granite!"
Though it received little media attention when it happened, Linc and his colleagues discovered a vein of soccer balls trapped for eons beneath the earth’s crust. These balls have been delivered to urban playgrounds across the country, providing our youth with countless hours of safe, wholesome, vaguely American fun.
If this doesn’t shout “strength,” I’m not sure what does. This image gives Vladimir Putin nightmares. “Not only am I scandal-free, Vlad,” Linc says, “but I alone among the candidates am unafraid to literally wrestle you. Your shirtless/centaur-like pictures are no match for my Ivy League-trained wrestling techniques.”
Yep, I had just killed a whole bunch of people when this picture was taken. Any questions?
Guess whose boots I’m holding? Bernie Sanders’! Yep, saw him taking one of his famous walks down the street and figured I’d knock him down and take his boots. Nah, I’m kidding. The boots belonged to some dude I killed in ‘Nam! It’s part of my home museum: Jim Webb’s Museum of Stuff From Dudes I Killed in ‘Nam (and Elsewhere). It’s open alternate Saturdays noon till 5:00 p.m. Please, if you’re in the area, stop in. On the last Saturday of the month, kids get in free.
Yep, that’s me in 1984. Make fun of my hair, and the last thing you’ll ever see on this plane of existence is me killing you.
Wait! I demand more pictures! The fix is in! I’ll kill all of you!