Let me just say, this diary is not going to be about me finding out I have an ancient black relative, or that my father isn't who I thought he was. This diary is not going to be about how I suddenly realized what the color of my skin is, but more about how other people viewed that color.
I am a young, 20 year old black man and let me tell you, the end of the year 2014, and the beginning of 2015 is the most I've ever thought about race in my entire life. At first I tried to ignore Ferguson. I thought it was just another Travon Martin. I would soon find out that for me, as well as many others, Michael Brown was "the straw that broke the camels back". I watch several black YouTubers who would consistently talk about it. So, of course, me being who I am, I had to look some things up on some blogs to find out what this was about. That's when I got first got wisp of it. YouTube comments, right wing sites, even some officials in Washington basically calling Michael Brown a thug. It made me feel bad but overall the feeling was just, well racism is still alive and well.
Then the non indictment happened. When I first heard about it my instant reaction was "damn". It was a feeling of disappointment that a cop would get away with murdering a teen. A teen not much younger than me. Then I saw the media try to twist the view of the town of Ferguson. People rioted, and yes, that was wrong. It seems like in the mist of the stories on big fires, and broken glass, no one was asking why are these people doing this? No one was asking why they felt this way. No one was asking why military equipment was being used on peaceful protestors with no rioters in sight. It started to get to me and definitely made me feel bad.
Then came the non indictment for Eric Garner. I remembered hearing about the case some time ago. I still, to this day, have never seen the video, I refuse. I've seen several screenshots on the news, and posted on sites that pretty much tell the entire story. I, again, had this feeling of "damn" but it wasn't the same as last time. I had to ask myself, how could someone choke someone else to death in front of civilians in broad daylight on video with an ambulance showing up doing nothing to revive the person get a none indictment? Anyone care to guess the answer? I still think Darren Wilson is guilty, but at least I can give leeway to the fact that the incident was not caught on video. At least the Ferguson police department tried to cover it up. It was literally like there was a banner being put in place in New York saying "happy open season police".
It made me scared. It made me scared to think that people I know and love could easily be seen as guilty just because they are not white. It's not that I'd never known about this country's history, or never known that racism and unconscious bias plays a part in many police departments across the nation, but seeing week after week that people in the justice system and people in the streets displaying that your life doesn't matter hurts, and is scary. There is a problem with police in this country. Police need to change not only the way they interact with minorities, but with all people in general. Yes, race does play a part in this, but overall this is a civil rights issue that needs to be herd.
Some might ask, when was the exact moment I realized I was black? Perhaps it's not one exact moment but several mixed into one.
-Maybe it was the moment I realized I was a young black man just like Michael Brown.
-Maybe it was the moment I realized my dead body could be left out in the street like a dog for four hours, and all my family would get was a "sorry" form the police chief six weeks later.
-Maybe it was the moment I realized that Travon Martin, and Michael Browns mothers yelling for justice for their slain children, could have easily been my mother.
-Maybe it was the moment I realized my 12 year old son could be shot and killed for playing with a toy gun
-Maybe it was the moment I realized I would have to have "the talk" with my future children. Not only about police, but about institutional racism as a whole.
-Maybe it was the moment I realized that after the Eric Garner non indictment I was suddenly scared of the trolly cops
-Maybe it was the moment I realized I could be walking down a stairwell and startle a police officer, and be shot and killed and not immediately receive medical attention.
-Maybe it was the moment I realized I could be choked to death in front of everyone and absolutely nothing would be done about it.
-Maybe it was the moment I realized I could be standing in broad daylight, with my hands up, with no weapon, and be shot and killed, and nothing would be done about it.
-Maybe it was the moment I realized if I ever had children with mental disabilities, or that were mentally unstable, I couldn't count on the police because they could possibly murder my child.
-Maybe it was the moment I realized I was more likely to be killed by police then a terrorist.
-Maybe it was moment when I realized I had to delete a picture off my Facebook account because I was scared the media might choose the most "ethnic" picture to show on the news.
-Maybe it was the moment I realized the justifications for my death would be "he was resisting arrest" or "I feared for my life."
-Maybe it was the moment I realized that this is America, and I am a black man.
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