In a late Friday News Dump, the stunning revelation was released by the Christie administration that the governor has sold the naming of the state to the highest bidder, Exxon. Governor Christie briefly explained this to a news conference of two Fox News reporters who asked him helpful questions, such as how to spell Exxon.
Christie revealed that he has been in long, secret negotiations receiving bids from several globalized corporations for naming rights, and was happy to announce the winner this Friday. He said that he had decided to do this sale in order to cover the budget shortfalls, money not there, raided pension accounts, empty accounts, etc., etc. etc. and so on.
New Jersey will now be called New Exxon as soon as the state flag, sporting a shiny new drilling well, can be made. They are also working on a new state motto, favoring the one, “What yours is mine.” Choosing a state animal is proving to be a problem since there are three equal contenders: the skunk, the weasal or the rat, so the idea is being floated to consider adopting all three. The state flower, it goes without saying, has now been officially changed to the venus fly trap.
A beaming Governor Christie continued to explain in his impromptu Fox news conference that his groundbreaking move would surely set a precedent for other states, admitting that he had just recently spoken with his good friend Scott Walker who has almost sewn up a similar deal to rename Wisconsin into Kochistan. Christie said he was announcing his deal first this Friday in order to go down in the history books as the first governor to sell his state out to a global corporation. And then he chuckled, saying that beating Walker to the punch was very satisfying as well. He added that he is surprised that no other governor had thought of this since it is just like renaming a sport’s arena. And of course, he said, there are other perks as well. Wink. Wink. And he blew a kiss to the reporters, when they winked back at him. Then a Fox reporter asked what the other perks might be, and in the typical Christie fashion that New Exxonians have come to know and love, he barked, “STFU. You are supposed to be from Fox. Do you want me to get the big guns from Exxon to fix you?” (The reporter had to leave the room after embarrassing himself with liquid running down his leg.)
When asked what he planned to do with the money, and by the way how much money was it, he said that he wouldn’t release that information; it was a national security secret; it was classified and no amount of ‘freedom of information’ requests could get at it.
Who were they to be asking these questions, anyway? Terrorists?
Triumphant, he walked away.
UPDATE: For "Choose Your Own Adventure" Fans (remember those?)
Choose Your Own Ending:
A great one submitted by ontheleftcoast.
Unctuously he oozed away, leaving a trail of oil and slime behind him.
All other submissions welcome!