Have you ever spent a day in pain ? I mean the whole day, from waking up to going to bed. Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night from a sharp pain and were not able to get back to sleep because the pain was so bad ? Have you ever tried to do something you used to do but now can't because the pain hurts so bad when you do it ? All of these things are a daily occurrence for those of us who live with chronic pain. I am so beyond fed up with my pain. Problem is that I can't make it go away. Best I can hope for is a good day when the pain won't go much over 5.
There are so many things I want to scream and rant about. I have this anger that wants a way out. I also have a nice and heavy dose of fear as to what will happen in the future. Just how fast is this freaking DDD going to spread along my spine ? How much longer before I lose even more mobility. Will I still be able to drive ? Will I still be able to work ? That last one is a biggie. That is where my insurance comes from. No work and oh wait, we have the ACA so I may still be able to afford insurance. Still heck my meds alone will kill me in costs. High doses of narcotic pain relievers is pretty expensive.
Living with chronic pain is bad. No way to change it or look on the bright side though I have tried. I am naturally optimistic but even I can't find a good side to living with chronic pain and I am pretty good at finding the good side of things. Now let's start the dog pile. We have chronic pain at the bottom and right on top we have a nice side of depression, followed quickly by anger and then fear. For some the order may be a bit different but it's all there. It's like the 3 Musketeers were joined by a fourth. They are always together. We can hide it a lot of the time but they are there. So is it any wonder that those of us with chronic pain can be a bit snippy, snarky, or just plain cranky. I try and not lash out at those around me but at times I truly can't help it. When I am in a real bad mood I try and stay away from people so I can't accidentally say something nasty to them.
So how can we fix all of this ? Turns out we can't fix it unless we figure a way for doctors to get rid of pain. So what the freaking heck can we do ? We can make it so that getting help is much easier. Right now it's not required for a pain management clinic to do anything about their patients mental health. In fact a lot of them "Profess" to care about it but do diddley squat. My own PM clinic is a very good example. They have their visit questionnaire which asks about depression but not fear oh and it does ask about anxiety too. I have been checking yes every time just to see what they will do and it is squat. No recommendation to a shrink no referral nothing, nada, the big fat ZERO. I am handling the stress the best I can but at times it feels like I am losing the battle. I sometimes feel like just saying screw it and giving up. I sure wouldn't mind a little help in how to cope.
Just over the last week or so I have been having some wonderful new pain, and twinges. Not only has the pain decided to move to my left arm but now we have some really fun pain running down the back of my legs. I'm kind of used to the pain traveling down the inside of my leg but hey I guess I am up for a change. I'm also getting some nice pain when I roll over in bed. All the way down at the base of the spine. It is a nice sharp stabbing pain whenever I roll over. So I am feeling more fear, more stress and a lot more anxiety. Plus having a nice MRI and nerve tests scheduled and then knowing I will be seeing the surgeon to see just how much he wants to carve me up is loading more stress on top of the rest. Being stubborn and struggling to keep doing as much as I can isn't enough. I need something new to keep my brain from going nuts. ( Well okay more nuts than it currently is to be honest.)
My big problem is I have no clue how to find someone who would specialize in people with chronic pain. It sure would be nice if someone had a directory with some counselors or shrinks or whatever for people who live with pain. There isn't a section of the phone book for pain. PM clinics should be more than just aware of their patients mental state. Depression isn't just no fun, it can literally kill you. It can suck what little fun in life is left right out the door. Now add in stress and fear and you have a nice combination just waiting to overwhelm a person.
So let me ask this. Just how many people living with chronic pain choose to end it. That is hard to say but the risk is doubled in chronic pain patients. Just making it through any given day is hard. Turn up the pain for whatever reason and it can seem impossible. At what point does impossible become suicide ? There is a pretty good article on it here at the link Suicide in chronic pain It comes up with a PDF file so you may need to down load Adobe.
This is a serious issue but let's make some comparisons. When you go to McDonalds and order a value meal you would be upset if you didn't get your fries. But no huge deal. If you get an oil change and they forget to rotate the tires like the special said, oh well those things happen. Life goes on. How about if you go to the ER, they fix your broken leg but leave your broken wrist as it is. Now we are getting closer to reality for pain patients. How does this grab you ? You go in to a hospital to have your appendix removed. They take it out but don't sew you up and you are left with a gaping hole in your abdomen. You would be screaming bloody murder. Calling a lawyer while getting pictures to prove what kind of an idiot that doctor was. Sorry but pain patients don't have a hole in the abdomen to show off to a lawyer. They have a hole inside because the practice of pain management sure as hell doesn't relieve all the pain and it doesn't even touch on the mental aspects of the issue. This should be part and parcel of every pain patients journey. Mens sana in corpore sano as they say in Latin. A sound mind in a sound body. Pain patients sure don't have a sound body. In most of us our body has decide to attack us. Then while we get some treatment for pain our minds are left on our own. We have to actively find a therapist or counselor. We have to do all of the leg work and see who specializes in what. Forget getting referrals from a friend. Who wants to admit they are in therapy, seeing a shrink or whatever you call it.
This is the side of pain most will never talk about but we should be talking about it. We should be doing something about it before we start to lose friends. I read a diary from Santa Susanna Kid yesterday in our group and they talk about losing friends to over doses and such. It was a really awesome diary and you should head over and read it if you haven't already. SSks Diary I am not too sure about the MMJ thing but they write from the heart about their journey and I am really open to learning more about the benefits of MMJ. In fact I wound up googling a bunch of stuff to read more about it. Still that won't help us heal our mental health though a week's worth of decent sleep might just start me on my way. See there is so much that actually affects our moods. It's not just the pain but a whole pile of stuff that builds and builds and if we can't stop it or knock it over it will lead to our deaths. We need to practice Mens sana in corpore sano much more than most. With a healthy mind we can cope better with our pain and limitations. Well this started off a couple of days ago as a normal rant about my pain but has evolved to another topic altogether. Maybe I am just nuts but I really think we need to treat the mental as well as the physical. Take the Poll below and let me know what way you think is better.