Campaigning is not easy.
Hold all my calls for two hours.
Friends,
We’re at a unique crossroads in our history. The choice we make as to whom shall lead our country beginning in 2017 will have reverberations for decades. I’ve mulled this decision over during my ample sleep time, and with each passing day and with each new poll showing the likes of Donald Trump leading the GOP charge, I feel I’ve been left with no choice.
Today, I am announcing formally my bid for the highest elected office in the land. Join me below the delightful ball of orange string for the exciting details on how I plan to lead our vibrant land to heights it’s never even dreamed of reaching.
Before I start with the details, though, I must dispense with the whole “I can haz” nonsense. We cats speak impeccable English, and this whole “haz” slur stops right the hell now. Got it? “Human parental unit, would you please share with me your bountiful dinner harvest?” is a typical cat-human exchange. How that devolved into “I can haz” is beyond my comprehension, but, as the kitties say, “Haters gonna hate.”
And one more important note: Grumpy cat? Total fraud. I went to grade school with him. He was the nicest dude you’d ever want to know. He always shared his catnip at recess and never had a bad word to say about anyone. Sorry, Kyle (yep, that’s his real name), but more power to you for suckering the masses.
So, what does a Red Flame administration offer America? Well, first, let me tell you what I’m not going to do: Go on a “listening tour.” I’m a cat. Everyone knows we don’t listen. I’m all about doing. “Listening” is more of the same human loser talk.
Some call this pandering. I call it outreach.
Hola, Latino amigos!
Next, I have the perfect remedy for fat cats in Washington and elsewhere: Eat less and exercise more. Maybe try napping a mere 16 hours a day instead of the usual 18. Really, you’re a disgrace to the elegance that is the feline.
In Red Flame’s America, every window will have a perch or one of those delightful cat trees with lots of nooks set up near a window. In Red Flame’s America, every home will have numerous cans of tuna or a roasted chicken at the ready or maybe an Asian pork roast marinated in soy sauce and orange juice and that delightful kosher salt. Nom, nom, nom.
Oh, I’m sorry. Where was I?
In Red Flame’s America, never again will we hear the sound of a vacuum cleaner. As we all know, vacuum cleaners suck kitty souls. They will be banished from our land at 12:01, Jan. 20, 2017.
And in Red Flame’s America, you can be sure that I most definitely will not enslave humanity and install myself as the King God of Cats and wear a robe made of the hair of my vanquished enemies and dyed an entirely unique shade of purple befitting a king.*
Some, I assume, are good.
Probably not this one.
So, in closing, I ask you to vote for me, for the reasons outlined above and because I am literally the Great Orange Satan.
May God continue to bless America, or, as it will be known following my triumph, Catmerica.
*Note to self: Remember in my stump speech: Something-something environment for the liberals, something-something guns for the conservatives. Also, make sure none of those pesky reporter jackals catch wind that human enslavement is my only actual goal. Also, staff, please make sure this footnote doesn’t get seen by anyone, unless you wish to become part of my royal coat.