I was fortunate enough to sit down with President Trump at the newly decorated Trump Mahal White House (sponsored by Barclays) yesterday. Below the fold are some highlights.
Bender Rodriguez: Mr. President, thank you for your time.
President Trump: This will be a great interview, the best interview. Why? Because I’m answering the questions.
R: Well, let’s start from day one. On January 20, 2017, you declared war on Iran.
T: You bet. It’s called leadership.
R: Since that time, almost 10,000 American service people have been killed, another 100,000 injured, and international estimates put loss of civilian life in the region north of one million. The world as a whole has condemned your administration’s actions, and we are well on our way to becoming a pariah state. Your response?
T: Whoa! I thought we were gonna start with some softballs. Have you seen what I’ve done with the place? You like the Oval Office dipped in gold? What president before me thought of that? None. They were all losers. They didn’t think big.
R: Sir, about the quickly deteriorating situation in Iran –
T: Emerald inlays on my desk. How can you not notice it? You’re starting to annoy me.
R: U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon issued a statem—
T: [ Laughs ] Yeah, Monkey Moon or whatever the hell that loser’s name is. Ooh, he issued a statement. What’s he gonna do next, short-sheet my bed? 1,000-thread-count
sheets, by the way.
R: He issued a statement condemning –
T: Blah, blah, blah. My sheets also have an emerald inlay. It was my wife’s suggestion. Have I mentioned lately that I cherish women? I cherish women.
R: Okay, let’s move on, since you’re clearly not going to respond to –
T: You’re fired.
R: Sir, all due respect, I’m not in your employ.
T: The whole country’s in my employ.
R: No, Congress rejected, by a single vote, the Let’s Make Trump King of America Act.
T: I’m surrounded by losers.
R: Let’s talk about your vice president.
T: Ben Carson, right. Greatest veep in history.
R: Do you feel at times he’s in over his head?
T: That’s outrageous. What does that even mean?
R: Well, for example, the day the Senate voted on the Let’s Make Trump King of America Act, instead of presiding over the proceedings, the Secret Service found him sitting in a nearby Chipotle’s using a burrito as a gavel and quietly admonishing customers to hurry up with their votes.
T: He was showing his contempt for Congress. It was a huge prank, the best prank. Plus, he was subtly insulting immigrants. It was a beautiful twofer.
R: Yeah, that’s not at all what happened, but speaking of immigrants, let’s talk about your wall.
T: The best wall, the greatest wall.
R: It’s cost the taxpayers as of this moment $7 trillion and is nowhere near completion.
T: The emerald inlay alone cost $57 billion, and it was worth every penny. I want the people on our side to have something nice to look at. It’ll inspire them to greatness in
their own lives.
R: We’re in a recession, we’re again fighting a war that should never have been fought, unemployment has soared to 16.4%, and the national debt has almost doubled in the
first two years of your administration.
T: Yeah, I stopped listening to you several minutes ago. Now, do you want me to autograph this “Make America Great Again” ballcap or not?
This interview is over. I’m scheduled to make an appearance in Florida at the site of its most recent natural disaster, where again I’ll blame God for screwing up. He’s an okay God, not a great God. I could do so much better. “Make the Earth Great Again.” What do you think about that for my new slogan? You’re on notice, God!