I had to go to bed early on election night, so it was up to my husband to tell me the results in the morning. And he did so, using the same body language and tone of voice as if he was telling me a loved one had died.
And yes, I went through the grieving process. For at least a week, I woke up every morning with that cold dread down my spine and a deep sickening feeling in my gut. The absolute grief is fading. I’m still so very sad- but stronger, more intense emotions are rising to the surface.
I am terrified.
A friend of mine from Facebook started a private group- a place where we can vent and rant and share our thoughts and emotions without the hateful rhetoric of any Trump supporters living in our lives. Trump supporters who, during the campaign, only posted crooked Hillary memes. When challenged to state some positive aspect about their candidate without coming across as racist, most resorted to cursing and demeaning us “bleeding heart ‘libruls’”
So there I ranted. I cried, “Don’t you see what’s happening? With each outrageous statement and action, he gets stronger. What should have had him thrown off the stage as a laughing stock is filling stadiums with blind fools praising him as their leader. And he’s eating it up, egging them on with taunts of hatred to whomever hurt his ego that day.”
And so we comforted ourselves believing that no way could this unqualified demagogue be president. No way would decent republican voters back someone so vile, so incompetent, so ignorant of decent human behavior.
Now, each day brings a new disturbing devastating revelation. One by one, each cabinet appointee is more outrageous than the last. Not only are they totally unqualified candidates- they are totally opposite of the values and legacies each department enforces to keep my country productive and safe.
And no one is speaking out. I can’t be the only one fearing for the future of this country. Everything that makes America what America means to me is going to be destroyed unless something is done to stop this madness.
I need to hear from my leaders. I need to hear Congresswoman Pelosi question the sanity of this president-elect. I need Senator Schumer to tell me that he will be opposing these confirmations. I need to know that concrete steps are taking place to stop this madness.
Right now I am being teased by the petitions to the electorial college. Given a slimmer of hope by the recounts. I lose myself in a fantasy that this is all a joke, that some sort of deal had been made and Trump would never be president. He can use this time to have fun at the nation’s expense and make a fortune exploiting the epitome of insider trading.
But then we’re stuck with Pence.
I’m sixty-three years old. I’ve Iived through the 60’s. I marched for civil rights. I attended rallies and worked hard for the changes I can’t believe still need fighting for today.
And I’m terrified.
I can’t sit still and do nothing. I can get to the march on Washington, but I don’t think I can do much marching. I have the passion- the drive has faded with age. I need to know that others- my ‘powerful’ leaders in Washington and across the country have my back.
I won’t lose my country without a fight. Please tell me there will be one.