As the final few months of President Barack Hussein Obama’s presidency wind down, I looked back over the past eight years, not in final judgment — that the province of history — but over his record of accomplishments and failures. And I was surprised by what I saw.
I thought — in a two-term Administration marked by saving the auto industry, passing the Affordable Healthcare Act, overseeing the slow climb from the Great Recession (starting with the passage of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act), signing Dodd-Frank, the killing of Osama Bin Laden, repealing Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell, improving our nation’s image abroad, etc — that I would find a President whose successes outweighed his failures.
But since 2008, I have been promised many things, many great and sweeping changes, that never came to pass. Barack Obama, I was told, would lead America to ruin. I was promised that he would single-handedly destroy America. That he would install Sharia, foment a coup (even though he was President), and establish a socialist black Kenyan dictatorship.
For eight long years, I’ve heard the promises on Facebook, Twitter, at the dinner table from visiting relatives, in conversations overheard while out and about — promises that President Obama would ignite a race war that would subjugate white people, directly following the seizure of all guns in America from law-abiding citizens (black people criminals would be allowed to keep their guns, I was promised).
I was promised a dark, terrifying future, emphasis on the “dark”, if you catch my drift. A future in which white people were herded into FEMA camps for extermination or reeducation (while simultaneously each adopting a person of color to support by working at all the jobs Obama was going to kill/had already killed). I was promised that President Obama would accomplish the superhuman feat(s) of being both socialist and fascist, being at once Muslim, atheist, and Radical Black Anti-American Christian Panther Something. That he would open the floodgates to millions illegal immigrants who would still be illegal even though his policies would make them super-citizens. That he was secretly supporting terrorist organizations while openly inviting millions of terrorists into the country, cleverly disguised as refugees (even children) that weren’t good disguises since we knew they were terrorists.
And of these promises, President Barack Hussein Satan Muslim Kenyan Obama has fulfilled not a one. No FEMA camps. No mass seizure of guns. No unstoppable tide of brown illegal terrorist rapists. No dictatorship, no atomized feudal welfare fiefdoms filled with POC lords and white serfs, no nationwide caliphate — nothing.
I mean, for fuck’s sake, at least he could have accomplished the forced gay dog marriage and sex. I was looking forward to that. I was going to marry my Bischon Frise, and have hot sex on the down-low with that redheaded Geek Squad stud at Best Buy. I had a whole plan, and President Barack “Miserable Failure” Obama ruined it.
Well, all I can say is, thank GAWD for Donald Trump. He, too, has promised us a dark and terrible future if he isn’t elected, which he surely won’t be. Maybe Hillary Clinton will be able to fulfill the many broken promises of The Great Failure, President Barack Obama.
Donald Trump says she will. It’s a promise.