As you no doubt heard, there was a bit of a kerfuffle after so-called President Trump, or someone on his staff, tweeted the obligatory “thoughts and prayers” message out to the victims of our nation’s most recent mass shooting incident without updating the location of the mass shooting.
In a country where the question, “I wonder if there is a mass shooting going on right now?” can very nearly be accurately answered by a Magic 8 Ball, it’s a forgivable mistake. I have spent a good portion of my professional career tracking these things and even I am now getting confused.
In order to prevent the sheer mortification that comes from sending one’s heartfelt thoughts and prayers to the wrong mass shooting victims, here is a handy thoughts and prayers generator form.
In the event of a mass shooting, simply fill in the blanks and choose the appropriate selections to create a personalized thoughts and prayers message from the so-called President, congressional Republicans, individual members of congress, or even the NRA!
OFFICIAL THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS FORM FOR VICTIMS OF MASS SHOOTINGS
(PROUNOUN or NOUN, such as I, We, The White House, Congressional Republicans, Name, etc.) would like to extend (its, our, my, his, her, etc.) thoughts and prayers to the victims of the mass shooting incident in (PLACE) Our hearts go out to the innocent victims of this heinous crime who were simply (ROUTINE ACTIVITY people were engaged in with every right not to get slaughtered by an asshole with a deadly weapon) at the time. (We, I, etc.) pledge that whatever federal government resources required by the local authorities will be made available to them.
It is a terrible tragedy that
1) a troubled loner (select if shooter is white)
2) a terrorist (select if shooter is non-white or immigrant)
could do such a reprehensible thing to so many innocent people.
In this time of grieving, (SELECT ALL APPLICABLE)
1) it is too soon to bring up petty political arguments like gun control, and we should let families heal before debasing their pain and suffering by turning it into a political game.
2) an incident like this clearly shows that we need to restrict immigration of certain people from certain countries, and we pledge to do whatever is necessary to tighten immigration to prevent these sorts of people from entering the country.
3) it is important to remember that sometimes, getting mowed down by an asshole with a weapon designed for one purpose—killing as many people as possible—while going about your day-to-day life is just the price you pay for freedom.
OPTIONAL FINAL PARAGRAPH FOR WHITE HOUSE USE: It’s a shame that the failing media like the New York Times, Washington Post or CNN don’t seem interested in seriously looking into crooked Hillary’s role in this latest incident of mass murder. Awful!
I’d suggest printing off a bunch of copies and putting on the refrigerator; the way things are going in this country, you’re going to need one sooner rather than later.