In a thing that didn’t happen but nevertheless illustrates the pointlessness of hyperbolic headlines, President Donald Trump took to the golf course today, sources haven’t confirmed.
“I’m totally destroyed,” the President is reported not to have said, seemingly without a care in the world as he unhurriedly cleaned his fingernails with a diamond-encrusted, 24K gold divot tool. “Someone said something about me already said a bunch of times, only slightly cleverer. I’m just obliterated.”
It’s unclear how the President found the strength of will to hook his tee shot into the rough, but sources close to the Oval Office described Trump as “utterly wrecked” as he ambled nonchalantly to his motorcade of golf carts, sipped the frozen drink handed to him by an aide, and was driven to a waiting gazebo to chat with billionaire cronies while Secret Service agents combed the grassy hill his shot disappeared into.
Fake News reporters caught up with despondent Trump Administration officials at the sixth hole — one hole behind the President — who napped through an informal strategy session with lobbyists and obscenely rich friends, divvying up US resources for personal gain.
“I just don’t know how he does it,” sobbed one official. “That Democratic Representative from the Eighth District in whatever state who cares completely shut the President down in one tweet. It’s over. It’s all over!”
The anonymous official, currently undergoing field surgery on the sixth green to remove his liver and give it to President Trump — originally thought to be an organ transplant, but later discovered to simply be lunch for the President and friends just because he felt like it — went on to say, “I mean, did you see that talking head rip the President to shreds in thirty seconds? He’s devastated, I tell you!”
Fake News was unable to reach the President for comment, who was at that time instructing the children of undocumented immigrants to lay across a puddle so he wouldn’t get his $10,000.00 Louis Vuitton shoes wet. It’s unknown at this time when he will resign in disgrace over the complete and total pwning, but experts say it won’t be long before he wanders the streets in sackcloth, thoroughly ruined by that one headline on some blog, or it could have been a YouTube video or a text message maybe.
“Thank God that’s over with,” said Anonymous Smith, head of The Resistance. “We were worried about a years-long campaign of hard-fought, costly resistance, but now that Trump is destroyed by that left-leaning nightly news program, or maybe a tweet or a Facebook post or something, we can all go home and relax.”
“I am also relieved,” agreed Democratic Junior Senator Someone of That One State. “We were facing tough elections for years before we could even gain the numbers necessary to undo so much damage caused by the phenomenon of which Trump is but the latest — albeit thus far most extreme — expression. It’s just good to know Trump was obliterated with a single graph, or maybe an image or a meme or whatever. Now we’re all safe.”
For more information on this and other BREAKING NEWS, tune into Fake News Nightly for the finest reporting the internet seems to provide lately, BLOWING up stories that DEVASTATE evildoers into TOTAL ANNIHILATION with a single caption, or perhaps a tape or an email or some other nonthreatening thing.