My candidate: Eliza Jo Butters
Preferred pronoun: They
They are liberal yet moderate, progressive yet pragmatic. They appeal to new, young voters and the Obama-to-Trump-voting crowd alike. They poll well with working-class voters, upper-class voters, middle-class voters, and voters who possess absolutely no class.
They believe in Medicare for All, for some, and it might involve tax hikes, or not.
They are young. And middle-aged. And old. They have a full head of hair or a ring of hair or hair-like substances covering their head.
Are they gay? Damn straight! Are they straight? You bet. Are they Jewish? Check. Native American? A wee bit! Black? No. Hispanic? No. But running mate Cormala Hastro will address that.
You cannot disagree with Eliza Jo Butters! They are the turducken of candidates. And, Kos, even if you begin writing “I hate Eliza Jo Butters” screeds, I shan’t be deterred!
We’re Eliza Jo Butters, and we approve this message. Paid for by Friends of Eliza Jo Butters. Please consult your physician before donating to Eliza Jo Butters. Side effects may include dizziness, upset stomach, gnashing of teeth, achy-breaky pelvis, spontaneous projectile bleeding, and homicidal thoughts.