“And yet we know that the worst images are those that were unseen to the world. The empty seat at the dinner table. Children who were forced to grow up without their mother or their father. Parents who would never know the feeling of their child’s embrace. Nearly 3,000 citizens taken from us, leaving
a gaping hole in our hearts.”
The lines above mark the ending of the first minute of President Obama’s 2011 Address announcing the death of Bin Laden. It’s playing on a smartphone left on a table by the man leaving the room. He returns the salute of the two Marines as they open the door to the blinding lights and dull roar of a thousand people in an auditorium trying to be silent. Then half begin to applaud. President Joe Biden walks up to a podium bearing the Presidential Seal to address a joint session of congress. The speech he’s about to make will be similar to Obama’s in 2011, only less solemn and more feisty, with far, far fewer fucks given.
We’ll skip the formalities and go right to the heart of the matter:
“My predecessor’s actions and stunning lack thereof, along with my responsibility to protect our nation left me no choice. So tonight I can report that an elite team of special forces, composed entirely of women were able to quickly locate and capture former President Donald J. Trump and as per my orders Bin-Ladened his ass…”
After allowing the inevitable uproar to peak, Biden forcefully demands silence before continuing “I realize some of you may have questions regarding the legality and/or legitimacy of this decision. So I’ll explain.
My predecessor’s penchant for projection and preocupation with people’s birth certificates made me wonder if his was entirely on the up and up. At first glance Donald Trump’s birth certificate looks squeaky clean — like maybe it belonged to Barbie or Ken.
But look a little closer… it’s more like Squeaky Fromme, Klaus Barbie and Kenya. I couldn’t say what was wrong with it exactly, but something about it just seemed weird. Of course I, Joe Biden, wasn’t going to condemn a man just on a hunch with no other evidence. But fortunately there was another guy there, so I handed it to him and asked ‘Does this seem okay to you? I’m getting kind of a Kenyan vibe...’ So the guy takes it and looks it over — squints a little — then he hands it back and says ‘Yeah, I know what you mean!’ So there you go… Case closed”
Another uproar which Biden pretends to misinterpret as he quiets them down “I know, I know… It’s shocking… Hey I could hardly believe it either! But Kenyans are notorious for being Masters of Disguise! Now Pipe Down! Just pipe down now willya? Now that I’ve explained everything, I don’t expect there’ll be any questions, but just in case… (points towards the back) Yes: that Kenyan there towards the back… Whoops-a-Daisy! Did I say Kenyan? I meant Gentleman! That Gentleman there towards the back!”
The Would-be questioner lowers his arm and motions to never mind. All other arms quickly lower as well.
Biden: Guess that’s it for questions then. Y’all seem to be remarkably quick learners, I’ll give you that... (Slight laugh, then serious...) I gotta say though, in the last couple of hours since it all went down I’ve been getting a lot more negative feedback on this than I was expecting… It’s just… sometimes you just feel so sure about something y’know? Anyway, if it turns out I was wrong on the whole birth certificate thing — And I’m not saying I was! — I just want you all to know how truly, truly sorry I’ll be if it turns out I did in fact make a mistake. You’re probably thinking — ‘fat lot of good that does now that the damage has been done’ — and any apologies coming from me are bound to ring a little hollow. But in my defense, at least I’m not laughing. ‘Cause as I recall that’s how he liked to do it… You know, with that smirky little ‘oh well, My bad... Ain’t I clever?’ (shakes head) Jesus, what an asshole…
(Loudly) I hope you all heard that: I just called your dear departed would-be martyr an asshole. And what that means is that he’s not actually dead… So you all can relax: I did not I repeat I did not Bin Laden Donald Trump’s ass. And any of you who actually thought I did should probably ask yourselves what kind of country you think you’re living in.
I know that some of you think you’re living in the kind of country you can call a democracy but cheat in elections by simply declaring victory regardless of the vote, and then kick over a few tables and cry “Oh No! Everything’s all higgledy-piggledy!” so you can have your friends in the Supreme Court decide it. Sometimes that’s all it takes to kill a democracy: just a couple of people to sabotage the process and a few judicial stooges. Here’s how your boy put it to his Justice Department:
“Just say the election was corrupt and leave the rest to me and the Republican congressmen...”
— President Donald J. Trump
12/27/20
Heartwarming, isn’t it? Truly one of the great patriotic quotes. While it’s probably sacrilegious to think one could improve on Patrick Henry, listen to how this rolls off the tongue:
“Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, just say the election was corrupt and leave the rest to me and the Republican congressmen...”
Uncanny. Makes you wonder if that Trump fellow and Patrick Henry were related.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, and when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything...
And here you can hardly tell where Thomas Jefferson ends and Trump begins
“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood coming out of her whatever...”
The point here is that there’s a larger picture than the latest 24 hour news cycle, and god knows there’s an audience more critical than the one you’re playing to on Fox. When you choose to walk through halls where giants came before you, hitching your wagon to an idiot costs extra.
Believe it or not there are still rules. Really basic ones that we learn around the age of three, and neither you nor your MAGA revolution are ever going to change. Like fire is hot and water is wet, Stupid is Bad. I don’t know how you could’ve forgotten that one. It’s not like Donald Trump was some kind of exception to the rule. One of the very, very few upsides to winning at all costs is you get to find out just what “all costs” actually means. For example, “self-respect” is one of those things you tend to notice more when it’s gone.
All Trump ever asked of you was to reverse the results of a single election and you failed. He didn’t ask you to give up your self-respect and every last shred of your dignity, but you don’t get to play dumb or pretend you were ripped-off by the fine print: when you go sailing aboard the HMS Pussygrabber, that warning is stamped in bright red letters right there on the ticket.
And to those of you who voted not to certify the 2020 election, history is going to have some questions for you, not the least of them being “What the fuck were you thinking?” History has a habit of taking a longer view of things than, say, Sean Hannity does. It’s going to want to know how a party that spends two and a half years going apeshit yelling “Four Dead Americans!” can manage to be so non-chalant when their guy loses four hundred thousand of them.
But one thing History ain’t gonna want to know is why I, President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. just sat on my ass when it was so obvious y’all were going to try pulling the same old shit. Y’all can just forget it. It ain’t happening, Not on my watch. No way in hell I’m letting y’all lay any further waste to my country, it’s elections or democracy. So kindly GTFO with your moth-eaten mobster wannabe.
Oh that’s right — y’all just can’t quit him can you? Well, today’s your lucky day. I figured the trick is to get him to quit you, which is simply a case of finding him a better job. But what job could possibly be better than President of the United States and working for the American People? Well, if you ask me, none. But I’m just a liberal cuck so what do I know? If you ask Donald Trump I’m sure he’ll have nice things to say about it, but I’ve never heard him describe the Presidency with the kind of glowing pride and deep satisfaction he expressed about his job barging into young girls’ dressing rooms, have you?
The trick was finding a boss that Trump loved and respected more than the American People. What I came up with wasn’t a long list. But I wouldn’t call it short either. Or savory. But the guy at the top was the one I called and although it took some convincing, (the easily preventable loss of 400,000 citizens tends to stand out on a resumé...) I managed to score Superpatriot Alphamale Donald J. Trump an unpaid internship for a year in Russia taking orders directly from Vladimir Putin! Just like when he was President! So while you’re looking for ways to spin this, consider calling it a lateral move.
So here’s the deal — Trump drops out of the race and I’ll drop out immediately. With pleasure. It’s about damn time we got out of the way.
Trump and his family get a full Presidential blanket pardon, past crimes only, and fifteen days to pack - if they’d like to be Putin’s guests at his newest dacha, twenty-five days otherwise.
The parameters of the internship are between Trump and Putin, but Vlad did like my idea for “Gipperland,” a Reagan-themed housing development for Fox Viewers or anyone else who’s been persuaded to hate America and/or Americans.
I think most of you understand it’ll be better for everyone and we could all use a break.
God Bless You All and May God Bless America.”
Biden Exits
Back in the antechamber Biden picks the phone off the table
We hear Obama’s voice: “Gipperland? Really?”
Biden: No finer monument if you ask me. And if we hook a turbine up to his grave and we can probably power Glendale.
Obama: So you think he’ll really go for it?
Biden: Absolutely. For the last three months Mar-a-Lago’s had a steady stream of… fascinating guests. Moscow in the summer of 2024 is set up to be a non-stop carnival of vanity and corruption. My favorite is the consortium of Swiss geneticists who’ll be presenting some white paper or thesis that proves scientifically that Ivanka is the most beautiful white girl alive. Or some composite that looks like her or something. I forget. It was actually painful to listen to.
Obama: Poor guy.
Biden: Fuck him. He’s trying to steal America. Poor dumb bastard doesn’t even know why.
Obama: Michelle reminded me about that girl getting exasperated over his constantly saying things were unfair. Twelve Years Old… something like that. I mean, that’s… that’s damning. Anyway, if you do decide to go for skywriting, that’s my suggestion. “Unfair” with an exclamation point.
Biden: Hell of a vocabulary lesson.
* * *
The Windswept, Desolate Fuckistani Steppes
Upper East Fuckistan, With a Muddy Paddock and Peat dwelling. in the background. We see Donald and Melania and Don Jr & that Best Is Yet To Come Woman woman, Eric and Lara, Ivanka and Jared… All watching the helicopter that brought them to this place fly away. They have been double-crossed: brought out to the tundra somewhere in the loneliest outskirts of Upper East Fuckistan. They are 170 miles from the nearest road. The mountains and vast desert plains surrounding them are filled with vicious feral pigs. They will all be sharing a one-room house made of peat and mud. There is mud everywhere. And rocks. There will be food drops, and they have Yak skins to wear and peat to burn, but for the foreseeable future and perhaps forever, they will be living like 11th Century plains dwelling Mongols. But for the moment, they're all exceptionally well-dressed.
Nobody says a word and the only sound is the hollow, cold wind. They all stare from their small, muddy paddock in the foothills out over the vast desolate Fuckistani plain. By now you should be able to see their faces clearly, each a variation on the same theme of horror and disbelief. Jared’s slightly quivering lip. Don Jr.'s crazy eyes, and Melania… well, Melania looks very, very angry about this. Close your eyes… and picture them as you like. Take as much time as you need.
Perhaps as an uplifting note after slowly panning on each family member silently contemplating their future in the Fuckistani foothills, the camera pans down to see Eric has already begun to adapt. Sitting in the mire, he makes engine noises while pushing an elongated stone through the mud and happily cries out
“Beep Beep! Look you guys! I’m drivin’ a limo!… Beep! Beep! Beep!
So shiny...”